waiting

all my life i've been calling your name
i wonder could you hear me?

all night i've been lying in this empty field waiting
i wonder could you see me?

all day i've been holding you close
i wonder could you feel me?

this is what sadness feels like

i don't know how to feel today.... sad... cold... numb... tired... angry... empty... void.
i'm filled with emotions so deep that i know not how to set free.

i'm filled with a deep deep sadness and a silent rage.
but it's more than that really..... it is so much more.
there are so many questions now that can never be answered.
so many things that will never be resolved... so many words i can never say.

twelve years have gone by and it still hurts so much.

why didn't you love me? why couldn't you let yourself love me?
i try to think back.. were there glimpses.. was there ever a time?
i don' t know... i really don't know.

i think of you so often these days... seemingly insignificant moments take me back.
i struggle to try to find the good memories... I need them to hold on to.
... yet the reality of what was pulls me in a different direction.

i lay here waiting as you lay there dying
i know not what else to do.

Home Sweet Home

I wanted to post some photos of my new place to share with you, my most special friends. I hope to enjoy the pleasure of your company in time.

I can't wait to have you over.... for a coffee... an art making sunday afternoon... a game of scrabble... some shared conversation on the mirrored couches or a late night drink on the balcony. Now is the time for new beginnings... memories just waiting to be made.

front entrance (bad carpet)

livingroom (view 1)

livingroom (view 2)

livingroom (view 3)

quirky kitchen (sink in a separate closet)

kitchen (need to get a dining table/chairs)

view from balcony (off kitchen)

bedroom (view 1)

bedroom (view 2)

bedroom (view 3)

wanting

For each minute of time with you, I find myself wanting ten more. I struggle with the wanting still. I try to remind myself that at least I had that one minute... if nothing else, if never anything else, at least we had one minute. I long to let go of the wanting...

I am heading out on this journey alone again.. I think it's where I am meant to be. I feel strong now and so full of love, ready to spread it wherever I go. Needing only to love myself fully now... to connect with that deepest part of myself. To feel freedom in loving everyone around me, with nothing holding me back.

It seems every word I try to write falls short of being able to express what I am feeling. I type, erase, type again, erase... over and over. The words come slowly as my mind stumbles to understand. You inspire a world of emotions in me... a world of thoughts... a world of possibilities. There are no words to do justice... there are no words.

Osho Zen Tarot - pick for tonight

Osho Zen Tarot 1. Existence

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Existence

You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. That's what gives you dignity, that the whole existence will miss you. The stars and sun and moon, the trees and birds and earth - everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant which cannot be filled by anybody except you.

This gives you a tremendous joy, a fulfillment that you are related to existence, and existence cares for you. Once you are clean and clear, you can see tremendous love falling on you from all dimensions.

Osho God is Dead: Now Zen is the Only Living Truth Chapter 1

Commentary:

This naked figure sits on the lotus leaf of perfection, gazing at the beauty of the night sky. She knows that "home" is not a physical place in the outside world, but an inner quality of relaxation and acceptance. The stars, the rocks, the trees, the flowers, fish and birds - all are our brothers and sisters in this dance of life. We human beings tend to forget this, as we pursue our own private agendas and believe we must fight to get what we need. But ultimately, our sense of separateness is just an illusion, manufactured by the narrow preoccupations of the mind.

Now is the time to look at whether you are allowing yourself to receive the extraordinary gift of feeling "at "home" wherever you are. If you are, be sure to take time to savor it so it can deepen and remain with you. If on the other hand you've been feeling like the world is out to get you, it's time to take a break. Go outside tonight and look at the stars.

connection

sometimes i feel connected to everyone.

i can almost picture little invisible threads running here and there... a giant spider web connecting each and every one of us. i believe people come into our lives just when they are meant to. we usually don't expect them.. we often don't know why they have come or how long they will stay. all we know is that the connection with them is so great that there is no question that this is how things are meant to be. we can just feel it.

i believe that there are reasons for things much beyond our comprehension. there are reasons for people coming and going... there are reasons for the connections. the same way there are reasons that when we reach for a random book on our shelf and open to a random page, there is a message that we are meant to read. it always works this way for me... always.

i'll do it once again... today.. what is the message I need?

Connect with nature. Taking time to absorb and soak up nature is a powerful way to connect with the universe and hear the voice of our soul. Honoring nature honors our connection to the universe and to ourselves. It's easy to drive by a lake and not see it; drive across a river and not feel it; or let the sun rise or set without noticing it. Make a commitment to begin now to notice, see, and feel all the nature around you. Touch that tree. Feel it. Stand by it a moment. Put both hands on it. Silently ask it to take your fears and give you some energy. Then remember to thank it when you're done. Don't just walk from your car to your house at night. Look up at the evening sky. See the stars. Feel their light, their power, their rays. Begin to notice the moon in all her stages. Begin to make it a habit to notice, see, feel, and connect with all the forces of nature around you. Watch how you begin to change as a result of deliberately acquiring this habit. Begin to let the earth call to you, show you her favorite spots for you. Are there places to visit around you - natural wonders of beauty - that speak to you? Take the time, gather the money (often it doesn't cost that much), and see what Mother Earth wants to show you. - from 'Finding Your Way Home' by Melody Beattie

didn't i say it... the message was perfect. did you notice that the title of this is connection and the first word on the page I randomly opened in that book was connect. I only noticed this after I first posted it. This couldn't have been more perfect for me right now. I have been craving that connection to nature. sometimes i just want to run away from this city.. just get in my car and drive until i reach a place far away from everything. I long to lay down beside a tree... staring up at the sky for hours and listening to the breeze blowing through the leaves. I so love listening to the leaves talk to each other.. laugh together.

I will find a way.. soon I will find a way.

lost and found

I know there is nothing anyone can do or say to make me feel better. I know that it's up to me to find my own truth.. to find my own happiness. Sometimes I reach out.. I think I just want to be taken care of... I want someone else to make things better for me. But deep down, I know it doesn't work like that. I know that isn't possible. I have spent my whole life taking care of myself... growing up there was never anyone there to comfort me or to wipe the tears from my eyes. As an adult, I found support and comfort in my friends. But I also know that those friends can only do so much.. the rest I have to do on my own. I think it's okay to reach out.. but also to remember to reach inside to the deepest and strongest part of myself. Only I hold the key to my own happiness.

So, today, I try to wipe away the tears and force myself to get off this couch. I'll have a shower, get dressed and head out into the world. I'm trying hard to face the changes that are coming.. that are already here. I'm trying not to dwell in the sadness.

Right now I feel lost... but I long to find myself.

Starting Over

music: Twenty Two Fourteen - by The Album Leaf

someone else's life

I walk through the day like a ghost through someone else's life. Nothing feels the same anymore. Minutes pass.. hours slowly go by. I feel lost... alone... empty.

I'm afraid I don't have the words to reach you anymore... perhaps I never really did.

letter to me... from me

Sometimes i wish i had the strength to say these words out loud - today I am too tired for reaching yet I long to be reached.

To the caring part of me,

Please, let me come hide under your wing a while... protect me.. hold me close and don't let the world hurt me again. Tell me I'm deserving of love... tell me it's going to get better.. tell me I'm better off this way. Promise me that time will heal everything, my friend. Tell me there is reason for all of this.. all these things in life that I cannot understand. Remind me that it won't hurt forever... it is just this day... this moment. Please, my friend, tell me that this, too, shall pass.

Love, the vulnerable part of me that longs to be cared for

the never-ending day

I sit here... caught in between two worlds

one that i know i must leave behind
and the other that isn't yet real

all i have is this moment right now.
to be... just to be.

so here i sit
alone... in silence
waiting... reflecting... trying to figure out what comes next.

i sit and wait patiently for this long day to end
because only then can the next one begin.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

This is my time... where all the potential in the world exists for me. This is the time for diving deep. This is a time for living my truth... it is a time for creation and reflection. This is a time for following my passion... for going wherever it leads. This is a time for living fully. When I look in my mirror, all of this is reflected back at me. There is a deep wisdom and a connection that inspires me to keep going.

The Wisdom Inside

Sometimes it is art that reminds us of the truths that we already know. On this night, I posed a question.. I actually wrote it down on the canvas.. and I let it answer for me.

"What, then, is the answer?" I threw the question out to the universe - what is next for me - where will I go and what is behind the door this time? What is the answer.. what is it that I want? And as I painted, I thought about all of this. And I found the answer.. cut out of an old magazine long ago.. one day when I knew. It says: "You've got it inside." It is that simple.

All the answers to all my questions are already inside... if only I listen.

Wisdom

This one came next... how perfecty fitting.