Sadness

i am overwhelmed with sadness today for all that i am leaving behind. i know my future will be wonderful.. i know that i am heading out on the right path and that my life is moving in the right direction. i feel this without a doubt. but today i am still overwhelmed with sadness.

it is in the little moments these days... the seemingly insignificant moments when suddenly tears are welling up in my eyes. moments like when i stop for coffee at robin's donuts in the morning... the ladies there all know how i take my coffee without my asking. they prepare my jumbo 2 cream 3 sugar without my even asking. and i think how i will miss that. i think that when i return, if i ever go back to that robin's that they probably won't remember how i like my coffee anymore. and i find myself wondering if toronto will be like that.. if i will be more than just one in a city full of people. how will i make a difference? who will remember me?

today was the last day with my jeep. i needed some time tonight just to get out on my own.. go for a drive and then a walk. take this final opportunity to get out on the open road... so much freedom that comes from having a vehicle. i found myself heading for the monestary in st norbert. that has always been one of my favorite places to go. i went for a long walk along the river. i think i just needed a place to go to where i could cry the tears that needed to come out. i needed to find a quiet place where i could just be still.. where i could look deep within my heart and listen to the silence and the crickets singing. i sat there on the stone wall and i wrote in my book until all the light faded and i could no longer see the page.

there are so many emotions that i am feeling these days. i feel the sadness that i have not let myself until just now. i have been trying so hard to be strong... trying to finish with all the details. lists and more lists. but i needed to take tonight to grieve... to mourn the passing of my old life to make way for the new.

i think today i am grieving all of the potential that exists in what i am leaving behind. of maybe never seeing that potential realized. it's all about choices. and it is in the realization that in choosing one thing.. you may never really know about all the others. and this is okay... as long as you are confident in your choices.

i know that moving away doesn't mean that i will no longer have the friends that i have. i know that a little distance will not keep us apart. but at the same time, i know that distance does change some things. i realize we'll have to rely more on phone calls and emails than we will on coffees or breakfasts.

i am tired.. i am rambling i am quite sure. i just wanted to share something today. i wanted to put something out here for all of you.

i only have two more days left here. these days will be busy i am sure. i am trying to savour all of the things that make winnipeg so special to me. i will be back.. i know this. i have to stop being so nostalgic and wipe away these tears...