Angels

I had such a moving experience tonight... i'm sure one that will stay with me forever.

I won't go into all the details cause it is 1:30am.. I am tired, and also I don't think this is the place for the details. But I will tell you this...

I went for a bike ride tonight... just felt like i needed to get out of my house and get some fresh air... think a little while. so many changes coming on these days.. i needed some time just to breathe and think. i didn't have a destination in mind really. after riding a bit though, i felt myself drawn to the park on wellington crescent. i rode through there a bit to a place down by the river where there are a couple trees that have fallen over. i parked my bike, took off my helmut, sat a while and just looked out at the river.

it wasn't long before a man and his two golden retrievers came by. the dogs were running in and out of the water... running and playing. the man asked if i minded if he shared the space with me.... on the other tree. i said sure.

soon he began talking. slowly at first... cautiously. obviously not used to opening up to a total stranger in a park. and i found out he had a really bad day... in fact he had been pretty down for a few months. i won't go into details about this.. but if you are interested i will tell the story in person.

he asked what brought me to this park on this night... if this was somewhere i always came to gather my thoughts. i said no... that it was in fact my first time there in years. i told him that perhaps it was him who brought me there. there was no doubt to me that i was meant to be there - in that exact place at that exact time. and he agreed... that god had been looking after him... bringing me into the park at that exact time. he said he could tell that i was a good person.

we talked for over an hour... about all kinds of things. he opened up to me. told me of his sadness and struggle. and i could not do anything for him but listen. but, it seemed that is what he needed tonight. he left feeling better he said. i hope our talk stays with him... beyond tonight. somehow, i think it will.

it was strange because on the weekend i found this book called "A book of Angels". i had heard about it for years... and found it at random in a used book store. and i read a bit of it this weekend.

sitting there with this man tonight, i kept thinking about this one part i had read:

"It is said that angels come as thoughts, as visions, as dreams, as animals, as the light on the water or in clouds and rainbows, and as people too. Are they walking on this earth as people in disguise? Or is it really us, mere humans, who for a moment are picked up by the hand of God and made to speak unwittingly the words another needs to hear, or to hold out a lifeline to another soul?"

and i realize how true it is.. that the moment we need someone most, they will be there. also... i believe that the more i listen to my intuition, the more often i can be in the right place at the right time.

i have no doubt the universe aligned tonight to bring me to that park, where this man needed someone to talk to. someone who would not judge him. someone who would not be afraid of him. someone that wouldn't think he was crazy. someone that could offer him a few words of encouragement and a hug. today, that someone was me. and i am thankful for that... so very thankful.

we just never know when we might be needed... when we might be called. all of us are angels inside... all of us...

Who says you can't go camping in April?

Okay… I promised a few people I would write a blog about my camping experience. :)

Originally I had hoped to go out to riding mountain, but then a friend reminded me on Friday that there is still 3 feet of snow out there. Oh yeah… I had forgotten about snow… now that it is all gone in Winnipeg. Amazing how quickly we forget. Anyway.. after a little research, I realized that no matter where I went, the campsites wouldn't be open yet, and it would be cold. So, I decided to head out to the Whiteshell, where there are many lakes and many many places to camp, in the hopes that I could find at least one.

I headed out on Saturday shortly after noon (I had an appointment in the morning). I over-packed, as I usually do. It seems there is so much to bring, whether you're going camping for a day or a week. And, knowing it would be cold, I was cautious and brought lots of extra clothes, boots, sleeping bags, etc.

I took highway 44 out past Beausejour. Then I decided to head north on highway 11 to 307, heading into North Whiteshell… past Seven Sisters Falls. I had never driven that way before. It was beautiful… the winding road.. even at this time of year. As I drove I felt a part of me let go… my shoulders dropped… my breathing slowed. I was on the road and so happy.

I passed so many lakes and so many campsites. I stopped to check out a few… Nutimik, Betula… I can't even remember the names of them all. Just that I drove into the camp grounds and quickly realized that there was way too much snow to stay. That, and there were locked gates and slushy roads… not even accessible at this time of year. But I kept on driving. I finally ended up at Big Whiteshell Lake (South Shore) – the campground there was perfect. Nicely secluded… mostly covered in snow.. enough that nobody else would think to come. But… perfect for me and my Jeep. And I found a couple camp sites side by side that had almost no snow… even a little sunshine.
The drive home on Sunday, I took the yellow road… I always like to come and go different ways. Besides… I wanted to visit one of my favorite abandoned places on the way home.

Anyway.. once I got there, I decided to get set up first before heading off to explore. Work before play. I took out the tent (that I borrowed from my friend Dhara – thank you again) and put it up quickly and easily. Then there was the air mattress. Wow… what a great huge air mattress… and I had borrowed a foot pump too. But I didn't realize how long it would take to fill that thing… about AN HOUR later…. my legs totally buff from the workout, I finally filled it!! For a while there I almost gave up… but I knew it would all be worth it when the night came. (of course, it was)

After the tent was up and the air mattress filled, sleeping bags unpacked, etc, I wanted to head out on my bike. All I could think about all day was getting on my bike and going out for the first ride of the year. Of course, there was still a lot of snow, so I knew I wouldn't get very far… but I went anyway. I rode down to the dock – a huge dock that looks out to the expanse of the lake. And I should mention.. there is no 'lake' at this time of year… only a never-ending frozen landscape. The ice hasn't melted yet.. we're probably a month away from that yet… so it looked like winter out there… but the warmth of the sun on my face made it feel strangely of summer. Such a strange contrast.

Anyway… a little exploring along the shore… the other campsites… some photos. Then I headed back to the campsite to build a fire… to make some dinner. One of my favorite things about camping is cooking… I always eat better out there than I do at home. And I had prepared a bunch of food ahead of time, so I was excited for the meal. I had a nice dinner of steak, yams with onions and corn. With that a cup of yerba mate. I read my book for a while… I wrote in my journal for a while. It seemed the time passed quickly. Before long it was dark… too dark to read or write. Too dark for anything but just to sit by the fire. Staring into the fire… thinking.. talking aloud to myself. (you can do those kinds of things when you are camping alone… and nobody will think you're crazy). ;) I sat there for a couple hours…. tending the fire. Taking turns looking down at it and then up at the magnificent sky of stars. I was overwhelmed by the beauty. And overwhelmed by the silence. It has been a long time since I have experienced anything like that. No sound of traffic… no sounds of people. No other campers. Not even any birds or insects. Just silence.

I cannot tell you all about the experience of those few hours… sitting by the fire alone… the smell and the sound of the crackling…. the little bit of light in the darkness. The warmth in the cold night. It was an experience I do not think I could really do justice to with words… just that I was overflowing… in love with everything. Myself... the trees… the campfire… the stars. Everything about the day had been perfect… and those few hours were the best of all.

"I found God in myself and I loved her fiercely" – Ntosake Shange

In the daytime it had been warm… at one point I was walking around in a long sleeve shirt and I was warm. But as the sun set and the light faded, I knew I would be in for a cold night. I kept adding layer after layer… pulling the table up closer to the fire. When I eventually let the fire go out and crawled into the tent I realized why most people don't go camping in April. It was bloody cold!! I slept with many layers… two pairs of socks.. two pairs of pants… two tank tops, a long sleeve shirt, a sweater and a fleece… my scarf, toque and mittens. And I had two sleeping bags and my giant duvet. All of that and I was not warm. I was not freezing cold either… but was glad that it was not any colder.

I woke early on Sunday to the sound of the crows (6:30am). They were up and impatient for me to get out of my tent. I welcomed them as I would an old friend. They reminded me of so many mornings at the lake as a child. There was comfort in them. I was happy to be up and making a fire again… to make some coffee in my new percolator. Such a rewarding treat after a night in the cold… a warm cup of coffee. I watched as the sun rose… the sky a beautiful shade of orange. And I was so thankful for the beauty around me. Once I had the fire started, wrote my morning pages and poured myself a coffee, I set out for a walk with my camera and my book. I found a place where the rocks lined the shore.. and I walked there a while. I was again amazed by the warmth of the morning sun. I sat on those rocks a while reading from my book… and then just sitting there, staring out into the frozen lake. Another moment of such calm and peace. I could have stayed there all day I thought. Eventually I made my way back to the campsite for breakfast. I was excited about my omlette and vegan sausage and another cup of coffee. The morning passed quickly again… leisurely. I went for another walk… sat in the sun a while. Even had a nap in the sun. eventually I began to pack up… taking down the tent… letting the air out of the air mattress and preparing for the journey home.

I always like to take a different highway when I am traveling. If possible, I don't like to take the same way twice. On the way home I went back on Highway 44, past one of my favorite abandoned houses. I allowed lots of time for the drive because I like to stop and explore. And I did stop… veering off occasionally down roads that looked interesting. Stopping at my favorite place where I visit again and again…to do some macro photography… to enjoy the sun a little more. I detoured… went through Lockport and down Henderson Highway… the scenic way home. Trying to delay coming back home as long as possible.

Don't get me wrong.. I love my home. I was just so enjoying the road and the running away. But I am back now. Grateful for the day that I had…. grateful for the smell of campfire that still lingers on my clothes… grateful for the memories. And already looking forward to the next adventure.

Being Lonely vs. Being Alone

I am going camping by myself tomorrow. Kind of a spiritual journey that I feel I need to do. I have spent a lot of time alone recently... getting to know myself more intimately. But being alone at home doesn't mean being truly alone. There is always this computer, my phone, my friends only a few blocks away, the grocery store, the cats, work, responsibilities... even the sounds of traffic. Life.... all of these things.

And I have been doing well. Finally feeling like I am transcending that feeling of lonliness for the feeling of aloneness. It is quite empowering really. So this little camping trip... just 2 days and 1 night away is kind of a test for myself. To see how will I fair out there... just me and the sun and the trees and the cold night. I am excited for the challenge... for the escape. I am excited for the open road. For singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in the car. Maybe pulling over and dancing on the side of the road. (anything is possible) I am excited to build a fire... to make some coffee in my new value village percolator. I am excited even to bundle up and sleep in the cold that I know the night will bring.

I feel like these last few months have been a journey for me. A spiritual quest of sorts... and I think of so many of my favorite books in which there have been these same sorts of journeys. Lessons to be learned... things within ourselves to conquer. Among my favorites are Siddhartha (Herman Hesse), The Alchemist (Paulo Cohelo) and The Journey Home (Lee Carroll). And now it is my turn to take my inner journey and make it also an outer journey. I have done it many times before, but it has been too many years. I am ready. :)

I found this great chapter on the subject of Alone vs. Lonely in this Osho book I am reading. I will share it. It is brilliant really.


Strangers to Ourselves

We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Aloneness is our very nature, but we re not aware of it. Because we are not aware of it we remain strangers to ourselves, and instead of seeing our aloneness as a tremendous beauty and bliss, silence and peace, at-easenesswith existence, we misunderstand it as loneliness.

Loneliness is a misunderstood aloneness. Once you misunderstand your aloneness as loneliness, the whole context changes. Aloneness has a beauty and grandeur, a positivity; loneliness is poor, negative, dark, dismal.

Loneliness is a gap. Something is missing, something is needed to fill it, and nothing can ever fill it because it is a misunderstanding in the first place. As you grow older, the gap also grows bigger. People are so afraid to be by themselves that they do any kind of stupid thing. I have seen people playing cards alone; the other party not there. They have invented games in which the same person plays cards from both sides.

Those who have known aloneness say something absolutely different. They say there is nothing more beautiful, more peaceful, more joyful than being alone.

The ordinary man goes on trying to forget his loneliness, and the meditator starts getting more and more acquainted with his aloneness. He has left the world; he has gone to the caves, to the mountains, to the forest, just for the sake of being alone. He wants to know who he is. In the crowd, it is difficult; there are so many disturbances. And those who have known their aloneness have known the greatest blissfulness possible to human being - because your very being is blissful.

After being in tune with your aloneness, you can relate; then your relationship will bring great joys to you, because it is not out of fear. Finding your aloneness you can create, you can be involved in as many things as you want, because this involvement will not anymore be running away from yourself. Now it will be your expression; now it will be the manifestation of all that is your potential.

But the first basic thing is to know your aloneness absolutely.

So I remind you, don't misunderstand aloneness as loneliness. Loneliness is certainly sick; aloneness is perfect health. Your first and most primary step toward finding the meaning and significance of life is to enter into your aloneness. It is your temple; it is where your God lives, and you cannot find this temple anywhere else.

~ Osho (from love, freedom, aloneness, the koan of relationships)

Heartwarming

I had a very heartwarming experience over lunch today!!

I had been writing a batch of snail mail letters yesterday, but hadn't quite finished them all. i headed down to the fyxx to address them, intending to mail them before going back to work. so, there I sat at my table…sandwich and yerba mate... letters, envelopes and postcards spread over the table. (kind of like in this photo... though not quite so messy).

I sat writing out peoples addresses… using my big roll of packing tape… closing them up... licking stamps. just the final touches. :)

someone walked by.. noticed me there… noticed the table. stopped and stared for a minute. then he approached me and asked if he could look at my envelopes. I said sure. I watched him as he carefully inspected every envelope, front and back. oh, what a photograph it would have been. he was fascinated. asked how long it took me to write them all.. that he loves letters, but it takes him so long to write them. after looking at them all he said to me "your friends sure are lucky." that's when I told him that he could add his name to my little address book and that I would send him a letter too. you should have seen his face light up… like a five year old boy on christmas morning.

there was something so pure about this guy. something I am having trouble formulating into words. a quality about him though…. a simpleness. a gentleness. he looked at me and said eagerly "I'll write back". i watched as he carefully took his time writing his name and address in my book... Dandy. he had such a childlike nature. he walked away with a smile on his face and I know I certainly had one on mine. so easy to touch someone's life I was thinking. him touching mine. me touching his. so very easy….

when he went back to his table to join the others, I thought i recognized them as the squeegee kids that sometimes hang out at the corner of river and donald. and I am hit again with the realization that we should never judge people… never judge a book by its cover. to look at them… I know people would make assumptions… the mohawks… the ripped pants… the dirty clothes. and I think how everyone has a story. and maybe…. just maybe… I will soon understand more of the story of Dandy. :)

i stopped at the mailbox on my way back from lunch. i counted the letters as i dropped them into the mailbox.... fourteen. and i thought how i had just touched fifteen people's lives. such a wonderful feeling.

love julie

Home

"Home is where they understand you"

I understand the idea that home is a place within ourselves... that we can take home with us wherever we go. The idea that home is in the love of our friends.. in the love of ourselves. and no matter where we journey in the world... we can always look within ourselves to go home. I also understand that in a spiritual journey... going home can be something so much more profound.

There are so many concepts of home. I will share with you my favorite bit of writing about "home". It is the introduction to a book called "Finding your Way Home" by Melody Beattie. This has stuck with me a lot of years... I go back and read it again and again.


We want to go home.

It's an itching, a longing, a yearning, a desire bordering on urgency - almost a cosmic movement.

We want to find our purpose, our right place, the right people to live and work with, the right work to do. We want to do more than discover why we're here; we want to be doing and living what we came here to do with the people we came here to do it with. We want to come into alignment with our highest good and destiny.

We want to discover and live our soul's purpose.

We want to bring out and use all the parts of us we've kept denied and tucked away. We don't want to hear anything more about what we can't do. We want to know what we can do, and then we
want to do it well. We want to stop exploiting, and start exploring our gifts and talents, bringing them to the world.

And we want to enjoy doing it. We want to have fun. We'd like to make a little money, too. Maybe a lot. It's not that money is the most important thing. We don't want to be bought or sold. Selling our souls is what we want to stop doing. But we want enough. And maybe a little extra at the end of the month. We don't want to worry about money anymore.

We'd like to feel good, do our art, be of service, be with people we love, people of like mind, maybe experience some joy, bliss, and euphoria, too. We want to be a part of a team of high-minded soul mates on a similar mission at work; we want a few friends who are truly friends - belong to a tribe of kindred souls; and we want more than a relationship - we want a passionate love relationship with our twin flame soul mate.

Or we want to be happy and comfortable being alone.

We're tired of feeling afraid and confused. We'd like to take some risks, but we'd like to feel safe, too. Protected. We want to live in a way that feels natural and right to us.

We want to be who we are, to be all that our souls came here to be.

We're tired of straitjackets, limitations, and selling our souls for money or security. We want to bust loose - set our souls free, be in the right place at the right time, fulfill our mission, dance with destiny, and watch the universe unfold at our feet.

We want enough drama and excitement to keep life interesting, but we want an abiding sense of peace underlying it all.

Karma and gravity have kept us bound and gagged long enough. We want to return to our spiritual roots. We want to learn to fly.

We want heaven - right here on earth.
We want to go home.

There is another idea of home... the simpler one. This is the home I wanted to write about tonight.

"Home is the place where it feels right to walk around without your shoes"

The home I am talking about my cocoon... my apartment. I am talking about the place I hang my coat at the end of the day... the place where I can just be. The place where I can sit on my couch and read or write or type on this laptop... where my cats are waiting for me when I come in the door. It is the place where I feel inspired. This apartment I live in feels very much like me. It isn't perfect... but it is perfect for me. :)

I have been spending a lot of time at home these days. Home in every sense of that word. Being away for a few days last week reminded me how much I love being at home. I have been spending a lot of time with myself lately... learning once again to appreciate my time alone. In fact, I have recently begun to crave it. But I also value the time I spend with my friends. It is the balance that is the key.

For me... home means this place that I am living. Home also means this time in my life right now... that I seem to have found a comfort in myself that had been lacking for a while. A happiness in existence. A joy in living and loving. Home is the feeling I have in my heart these days.. a fullness. A completeness. I don't even know if I can begin to explain it all. It just feels as though things in my world are aligning... coincidences are happening all the time and they help me to know that I am on the right path. And there is a peace I feel inside... in myself... in my friends.... the feeling of coming home. The knowing that at this moment in my life, things are exactly as they are meant to be.

"There is nothing half so pleasant as coming home again"

Love julie