48 to choose from

sometimes i like to go back in time. to pick up an old journal off my shelf and open up the pages to words i wrote years ago. and i am surprised sometimes by their relevance still. by their appropriateness on the days when i randomly open to a page. the words are my own, yet sometimes i do not remember them.. do not remember what i was feeling when i wrote them. i just counted... i have 48 journals in my livingroom. there are probably more scattered around the house.. and of course always one that i carry with me. and i don't write as much as i used to, and i find i miss it sometimes.

today... i looked at the shelf and i selected two journals... now at random... i will open them up and see what i have to share with all of you today. see what i have to share with myself.


07.11.2001

a creative process - a moment meant for me alone to create, to love, to hold the water of the world in the palm of my hand. and each of my fingers itch with anticipation of what could become of this time.

in my heart, in my breasts, in my swollen hands, i feel the pressure of that other world but the soft voice sings to me from here. for my own space and my own time and my own jumbled thoughts that somehow carry me through. my body cries out for the fresh air, the trees, and the green grass. away from the buildings in which i spend my life - away from the concrete worlds of roads and gas powered moving vehicles. i long for so much more and so much less. a space left unfilled and untouched - not yet harmed by a human's hand, and today i cannot give myself what it is that i crave but the thought alone gives me hope.


10.14.2003

I feel it – strongly – calling out to me – YELLING – saying 'what about me?' Pay attention to me! I am the most important one and I need you now, more than ever. I question the choices I make – the ones I have already made…

Will I be happy with these choices? And all I know is that I can only live for today – now. for I do not know what the future will bring…

And perhaps I spend too much of my time thinking these things – and there is so much more/else to be doing!!

I can not stop… I won't stop now. I need (there I go, always needing) to be free… to go once again on a spiritual journey into myself. I need to sometimes let myself be free – I need to let myself feel. And sometimes I need to let go… to write big and messy – let it flow – feel the words as they reach the page.

So unaware was I of this need for so long – I had forgotten about this feeling of letting go – of discovering what it is that lives inside of me. and so I'll set out/embark upon this journey of solitude and self discovery and at the end I expect I will barely recognize myself.


random thoughts 09.29.2003

I do not know where the words will take me tonight
On a journey to a far away land
I sit here, so very much wishing
I was somewhere else - somewhere nearer to you,
Or that you were here, nearer to me
I close my eyes to the day
A silent longing heart
Lies broken
Wanting so much more than I can give myself
And I wonder why…


random thoughts 11.03.2000

In that beautiful isolated moment when the words flowed freely from you to me, nothing could have been more perfect. And I finally understood that I wasn't the only one who felt it. All those people out there looking at you and falling in love. You laugh to think about it, but it's true. In this life where innocent love is frowned upon, I sat witness. Your words filled with such emotion, drained me of mine. I felt silly. Felt stupid. In realizing that you could have any one of those people take you home and love you, I understood why I could never be the one. And to think I let myself think (and really believe) that there could be something you might see in me – that very thing which I saw in you. What a silly girl. Love everyone and everything in moderation – think that's what I've got to do. It's easier on the aching heart. Easier on my cat. Think I'll take my leave, listen to the beautiful words always. Feet a little heavy. Heart a little light. Stuck it on my sleeve again for all to see.


random thoughts 05.30.2002

i'm not sure why i let myself feel so small when you're around. in the universe that revolves around you and perhaps was created solely for your benefit, i cease to exist at all. and so i sit alone and let the words unfold onto the page - outside of your universe, peering through the double pane, bullet-proof window. and i see you laughing and running the show and i know that you're content over there with me over here. where i can't hear you and you don't have to listen to me. and so often i wish that it hadn't come to this. and every once in a while i think that maybe things will change or perhaps i forget the way things really are. so i try to come into your world again for a while - think that somehow it has to be big enough for the two of us to co-exist contently.

and so i dive in again, deeper than i would normally be comfortable with. and when i surface, i am far away from the shore and soon the anxiety of being so far from safe grounds begins and i become frantic in my struggle to keep my head above the water. and then somehow i make it back - having a sudden burst of courage or energy and i lay on the sand and think that i will never do that again. and for a while i hold onto that fear. and then when it starts to fade into a distant memory, i try all over again.