"The world needs all its flowers, just as they are, and even though they bloom for only the briefest of moments, which we call a lifetime. It is our job to find out, one by one and collectively what kind of flowers we are, and to share our unique beauty with the world in the precious time that we have, and to leave the children and grandchildren a legacy of wisdom and compassion embodied in the way we live..." [Jon Kabat-Zinn -from Coming to Our Senses]

I am still trying to figure out what kind of flower I am. Perhaps I will take a lifetime to figure it out.

I am actively working to decide what I want to do with my brief time in this world. I wonder so often about the things that I choose to do with my life. How can I make a difference? What is it I'm meant to do? How do I live a life that is consistent with my own personal values? Is it possible to follow my passion yet still make enough money to survive? I know that my purpose is to give back in some way... I know I belong in a helping profession of some kind. I have always known this... my mission in life.. yet I couldn't make sense of what to do with it. Now I think I am finally on the right track.

I have always been drawn to creativity, yet for a long time this wasn't something I incorporated into my work. My journey has taken me so many places so far. Out of high school, I spent many years working in a veterinary clinic.. this helped shape who I am today. It (and the people and animals I worked with) taught me many valuable things about caring, compassion and love. I learned what it felt like to be part of a team doing something good in the world. Although there came a time when I had to leave, in order to spread my wings and see the world, I will always carry a part of that time with me. Since then I have worked at a fishing lodge on a remote island. More recently, I have worked in marketing and graphic design for two architectural firms. I have also started a few of my own businesses. At one time I got into artist (musician) management. Recently I started Dreaming Tree Paper Company, a company where I make and sell writing journals.

Looking back now, I feel like every experience I have had has helped to lead me to where I am now. And I know that this is only the start.

I have travelled around the world and continue to travel as often as I can. I like experiencing new places and meeting new people. I am a watcher and a listener... I love to learn about individuals... hearing their stories.. getting a glimpse into their lives.

As I said, I have always been drawn to creativity. I have carried a camera with me everywhere since 1993, and I try to capture as much as I can of each of my experiences. I have always journaled to express my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes this helps me to work through things and other times I want an opportunity to share them with you. I have more recently dabbled in pottery, sculpture, collage, painting, and soapstone. I am intrigued by everything creative... I see beauty in everything. But it took a long time before I knew how creativity could come into my work in a way that was meaningful and would also give back to the world in some way.

My early schooling was in Agriculture and then Science. I never finished my undergraduate degree because after two years, I realized that it didn't really fit with who I was. I wasn't honouring so many parts of myself in that training... especially my creative side. I also took a Management Diploma through continuing education. Although this seemed to fit with my entrepreneurial side, it still didn't do much for my creativity that was dying to have a voice in my life.

That is when I first heard about art therapy.

I was on a trip to Toronto, helping a friend move when I heard about the profession of art therapy. Right away it resonated with me and seemed like the perfect fit. For a long time I had been interested in psychology and had been on my own healing journey for many years. I had always been that friend that people come to when they need somone to talk to.. when they need someone to listen. And I have been told so many times in my life that I should become a counsellor. The idea of using art as a medium for engaging in therapy really seemed to make sense. That's when I moved to Toronto and pursued my schooling at TATI.

There I met some amazing people. I was inspired by ideas, classes, teachers and supervisors. I was exposed to new ways of thinking and looking at the world. Sometime in there, I was introduced to narrative therapy.. I think it was only a few hours of learning and a couple articles.. but it was again enough for me to know that it fit. Once again it resonated with my own way of being in the world.. the idea of respectful practice, where clients are the experts of their own lives. The idea that we live in a world made up of stories about ourselves... and looking at therapy this way also intrigued me. I took some more classes last summer and as I did my interest grew. Then came the opportunity to join the an International Narrative Therapy training program through the Dulwich Centre in Adelaide. Somehow, even when obstacles of life were in my way, I found a way to do it. And that is where I am today... still involved in this one year program in Australia (although I'm back at home in Toronto now)... inspired and full of ideas.

All the possibilities in the world are there before me. All I have to do is find my path and keep walking it. I am looking forward to this year... new friendships and collaborations. New adventures. Life is so full of potential.

As I said.. I am still trying to figure out what flower I am. But I am determined and I will be blooming soon!

Let me begin.. again

It has been a long time since I've taken the time to sit and write. It's amazing to me how life ebbs and flows... sometimes the words come easily and I can barely go a day without sitting in silent reflection and share my thoughts in the form of words... on paper... or on this computer. Then other times life and living takes the place of all the words. At times there is less contemplation... less moments of sitting in silence... yet I find I still long for these. Sometimes the need is so strong that my body starts shouting at me.

I have been sick so many times lately. Back in November.. for almost three weeks I was sick. I was in Winnipeg at the time, staying at my friends house in the country and taking time just to recover. I did a lot of reading during tht time.. and a lot of writing. Maybe that is what my body has been trying to tell me. Maybe I haven't been listening to what it is she is trying to say. Again over Christmas I was back at home in Toronto and sick again for a couple weeks.

What is it that my body has been trying to tell me that I haven't been listening to?

"Hey... what about me? I'm important too. I have so many things inside of me that want to come out. I have things I want to show you. Things I long to tell you. But I need you to be still for a moment... to listen. I need you to make me a priority... to come to me when you need guidance. The answers are always within."

I think it is time that I listen to myself once again... time that I devote a part of each day to listening, reflecting and writing. If I can trust in the signs around me, which I usually do, then I already know this is what I am supposed to be doing. I have so much to share. Let me begin.. again.

waiting

all my life i've been calling your name
i wonder could you hear me?

all night i've been lying in this empty field waiting
i wonder could you see me?

all day i've been holding you close
i wonder could you feel me?

this is what sadness feels like

i don't know how to feel today.... sad... cold... numb... tired... angry... empty... void.
i'm filled with emotions so deep that i know not how to set free.

i'm filled with a deep deep sadness and a silent rage.
but it's more than that really..... it is so much more.
there are so many questions now that can never be answered.
so many things that will never be resolved... so many words i can never say.

twelve years have gone by and it still hurts so much.

why didn't you love me? why couldn't you let yourself love me?
i try to think back.. were there glimpses.. was there ever a time?
i don' t know... i really don't know.

i think of you so often these days... seemingly insignificant moments take me back.
i struggle to try to find the good memories... I need them to hold on to.
... yet the reality of what was pulls me in a different direction.

i lay here waiting as you lay there dying
i know not what else to do.

Home Sweet Home

I wanted to post some photos of my new place to share with you, my most special friends. I hope to enjoy the pleasure of your company in time.

I can't wait to have you over.... for a coffee... an art making sunday afternoon... a game of scrabble... some shared conversation on the mirrored couches or a late night drink on the balcony. Now is the time for new beginnings... memories just waiting to be made.

front entrance (bad carpet)

livingroom (view 1)

livingroom (view 2)

livingroom (view 3)

quirky kitchen (sink in a separate closet)

kitchen (need to get a dining table/chairs)

view from balcony (off kitchen)

bedroom (view 1)

bedroom (view 2)

bedroom (view 3)

wanting

For each minute of time with you, I find myself wanting ten more. I struggle with the wanting still. I try to remind myself that at least I had that one minute... if nothing else, if never anything else, at least we had one minute. I long to let go of the wanting...

I am heading out on this journey alone again.. I think it's where I am meant to be. I feel strong now and so full of love, ready to spread it wherever I go. Needing only to love myself fully now... to connect with that deepest part of myself. To feel freedom in loving everyone around me, with nothing holding me back.

It seems every word I try to write falls short of being able to express what I am feeling. I type, erase, type again, erase... over and over. The words come slowly as my mind stumbles to understand. You inspire a world of emotions in me... a world of thoughts... a world of possibilities. There are no words to do justice... there are no words.

Osho Zen Tarot - pick for tonight

Osho Zen Tarot 1. Existence

---

Existence

You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. That's what gives you dignity, that the whole existence will miss you. The stars and sun and moon, the trees and birds and earth - everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant which cannot be filled by anybody except you.

This gives you a tremendous joy, a fulfillment that you are related to existence, and existence cares for you. Once you are clean and clear, you can see tremendous love falling on you from all dimensions.

Osho God is Dead: Now Zen is the Only Living Truth Chapter 1

Commentary:

This naked figure sits on the lotus leaf of perfection, gazing at the beauty of the night sky. She knows that "home" is not a physical place in the outside world, but an inner quality of relaxation and acceptance. The stars, the rocks, the trees, the flowers, fish and birds - all are our brothers and sisters in this dance of life. We human beings tend to forget this, as we pursue our own private agendas and believe we must fight to get what we need. But ultimately, our sense of separateness is just an illusion, manufactured by the narrow preoccupations of the mind.

Now is the time to look at whether you are allowing yourself to receive the extraordinary gift of feeling "at "home" wherever you are. If you are, be sure to take time to savor it so it can deepen and remain with you. If on the other hand you've been feeling like the world is out to get you, it's time to take a break. Go outside tonight and look at the stars.

connection

sometimes i feel connected to everyone.

i can almost picture little invisible threads running here and there... a giant spider web connecting each and every one of us. i believe people come into our lives just when they are meant to. we usually don't expect them.. we often don't know why they have come or how long they will stay. all we know is that the connection with them is so great that there is no question that this is how things are meant to be. we can just feel it.

i believe that there are reasons for things much beyond our comprehension. there are reasons for people coming and going... there are reasons for the connections. the same way there are reasons that when we reach for a random book on our shelf and open to a random page, there is a message that we are meant to read. it always works this way for me... always.

i'll do it once again... today.. what is the message I need?

Connect with nature. Taking time to absorb and soak up nature is a powerful way to connect with the universe and hear the voice of our soul. Honoring nature honors our connection to the universe and to ourselves. It's easy to drive by a lake and not see it; drive across a river and not feel it; or let the sun rise or set without noticing it. Make a commitment to begin now to notice, see, and feel all the nature around you. Touch that tree. Feel it. Stand by it a moment. Put both hands on it. Silently ask it to take your fears and give you some energy. Then remember to thank it when you're done. Don't just walk from your car to your house at night. Look up at the evening sky. See the stars. Feel their light, their power, their rays. Begin to notice the moon in all her stages. Begin to make it a habit to notice, see, feel, and connect with all the forces of nature around you. Watch how you begin to change as a result of deliberately acquiring this habit. Begin to let the earth call to you, show you her favorite spots for you. Are there places to visit around you - natural wonders of beauty - that speak to you? Take the time, gather the money (often it doesn't cost that much), and see what Mother Earth wants to show you. - from 'Finding Your Way Home' by Melody Beattie

didn't i say it... the message was perfect. did you notice that the title of this is connection and the first word on the page I randomly opened in that book was connect. I only noticed this after I first posted it. This couldn't have been more perfect for me right now. I have been craving that connection to nature. sometimes i just want to run away from this city.. just get in my car and drive until i reach a place far away from everything. I long to lay down beside a tree... staring up at the sky for hours and listening to the breeze blowing through the leaves. I so love listening to the leaves talk to each other.. laugh together.

I will find a way.. soon I will find a way.

lost and found

I know there is nothing anyone can do or say to make me feel better. I know that it's up to me to find my own truth.. to find my own happiness. Sometimes I reach out.. I think I just want to be taken care of... I want someone else to make things better for me. But deep down, I know it doesn't work like that. I know that isn't possible. I have spent my whole life taking care of myself... growing up there was never anyone there to comfort me or to wipe the tears from my eyes. As an adult, I found support and comfort in my friends. But I also know that those friends can only do so much.. the rest I have to do on my own. I think it's okay to reach out.. but also to remember to reach inside to the deepest and strongest part of myself. Only I hold the key to my own happiness.

So, today, I try to wipe away the tears and force myself to get off this couch. I'll have a shower, get dressed and head out into the world. I'm trying hard to face the changes that are coming.. that are already here. I'm trying not to dwell in the sadness.

Right now I feel lost... but I long to find myself.

Starting Over

music: Twenty Two Fourteen - by The Album Leaf

someone else's life

I walk through the day like a ghost through someone else's life. Nothing feels the same anymore. Minutes pass.. hours slowly go by. I feel lost... alone... empty.

I'm afraid I don't have the words to reach you anymore... perhaps I never really did.

letter to me... from me

Sometimes i wish i had the strength to say these words out loud - today I am too tired for reaching yet I long to be reached.

To the caring part of me,

Please, let me come hide under your wing a while... protect me.. hold me close and don't let the world hurt me again. Tell me I'm deserving of love... tell me it's going to get better.. tell me I'm better off this way. Promise me that time will heal everything, my friend. Tell me there is reason for all of this.. all these things in life that I cannot understand. Remind me that it won't hurt forever... it is just this day... this moment. Please, my friend, tell me that this, too, shall pass.

Love, the vulnerable part of me that longs to be cared for

the never-ending day

I sit here... caught in between two worlds

one that i know i must leave behind
and the other that isn't yet real

all i have is this moment right now.
to be... just to be.

so here i sit
alone... in silence
waiting... reflecting... trying to figure out what comes next.

i sit and wait patiently for this long day to end
because only then can the next one begin.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

This is my time... where all the potential in the world exists for me. This is the time for diving deep. This is a time for living my truth... it is a time for creation and reflection. This is a time for following my passion... for going wherever it leads. This is a time for living fully. When I look in my mirror, all of this is reflected back at me. There is a deep wisdom and a connection that inspires me to keep going.

The Wisdom Inside

Sometimes it is art that reminds us of the truths that we already know. On this night, I posed a question.. I actually wrote it down on the canvas.. and I let it answer for me.

"What, then, is the answer?" I threw the question out to the universe - what is next for me - where will I go and what is behind the door this time? What is the answer.. what is it that I want? And as I painted, I thought about all of this. And I found the answer.. cut out of an old magazine long ago.. one day when I knew. It says: "You've got it inside." It is that simple.

All the answers to all my questions are already inside... if only I listen.

Wisdom

This one came next... how perfecty fitting.

Soul Card

There are some people who just come into your life and they touch a part that is so deep that you know without doubt that you were meant to meet. A connection that reaches the depths of some unknown place.. calling you home. I am fortunate to have experienced this feeling many times in my life, and I am most fortunate to feel it right now. I have recently had my life blessed with a mentor and she is the one who introduced me to soul cards.

This was the card I made after a visualization about becoming an art therapist, in thinking about what my life and my practice would be like in five years.


I am the one who believes I can help make the world a better place.
I am the one who is willing to follow my passion, wherever it might lead.
I am the one who gains strength by my connection with others.
I am the one who cares so deeply.

I am the one who finds beauty in everything.
I am the one who feels with my heart.

I am the one who will take many journeys.
I am the one who will stand in my truth.

I am the one who is vulnerable and strong;
I am the one who belongs.

A little optimism please

What to do when all else has failed? To stand up or to sit down. To speak out or to hold back. To show love and compassion.. is it always possible to live that way? There is so much anger in our world.. so much hurt. So much trauma that lies buried in our psyches and grows and grows until there is nothing else to do but to look at it.. to dig deeper inside… to expose the wound, to nurse ourselves back to health. Perhaps healthier than ever before.. that is the hope. Must we forever suffer from the things we could not control? So much of who we are is determined by the family we are born into – the mother – the other. And what if we do not remember the other or do not even understand the damage that has been done? So strange that we must spend our whole adult lives working to undo what has already been done in the critical years. There is so much pain in digging… the shovel is heavy… but it is what lies buried so deep inside that is the heaviest of all. To dig it out and look at it takes such strength. I have to believe there is reason for it all. I have to believe that with awareness comes growth. i have to believe that with time it can heal and that we can stop repeating the patterns. What else is there to hope for if not that? I am an optimist… I am.

Thank You

love is the most powerful thing we have.

as long as there is love... there is nothing we cannot do.
it is true.

we can walk to the edge of a cliff.... let go of fear... and fly.
we can reach for the stars and look into our hand at the brilliance we hold.
we can challenge our own potential.
we can realize what it means to follow our dreams.

we can grow without limit.
we can forgive beyond imagination.
we can do all of this and be happy.

how wonderful to know this kind of love.
i have found this kind of love.

love has given me all that i need.
your love for me
my love for you

i thank you.

Sadness

i am overwhelmed with sadness today for all that i am leaving behind. i know my future will be wonderful.. i know that i am heading out on the right path and that my life is moving in the right direction. i feel this without a doubt. but today i am still overwhelmed with sadness.

it is in the little moments these days... the seemingly insignificant moments when suddenly tears are welling up in my eyes. moments like when i stop for coffee at robin's donuts in the morning... the ladies there all know how i take my coffee without my asking. they prepare my jumbo 2 cream 3 sugar without my even asking. and i think how i will miss that. i think that when i return, if i ever go back to that robin's that they probably won't remember how i like my coffee anymore. and i find myself wondering if toronto will be like that.. if i will be more than just one in a city full of people. how will i make a difference? who will remember me?

today was the last day with my jeep. i needed some time tonight just to get out on my own.. go for a drive and then a walk. take this final opportunity to get out on the open road... so much freedom that comes from having a vehicle. i found myself heading for the monestary in st norbert. that has always been one of my favorite places to go. i went for a long walk along the river. i think i just needed a place to go to where i could cry the tears that needed to come out. i needed to find a quiet place where i could just be still.. where i could look deep within my heart and listen to the silence and the crickets singing. i sat there on the stone wall and i wrote in my book until all the light faded and i could no longer see the page.

there are so many emotions that i am feeling these days. i feel the sadness that i have not let myself until just now. i have been trying so hard to be strong... trying to finish with all the details. lists and more lists. but i needed to take tonight to grieve... to mourn the passing of my old life to make way for the new.

i think today i am grieving all of the potential that exists in what i am leaving behind. of maybe never seeing that potential realized. it's all about choices. and it is in the realization that in choosing one thing.. you may never really know about all the others. and this is okay... as long as you are confident in your choices.

i know that moving away doesn't mean that i will no longer have the friends that i have. i know that a little distance will not keep us apart. but at the same time, i know that distance does change some things. i realize we'll have to rely more on phone calls and emails than we will on coffees or breakfasts.

i am tired.. i am rambling i am quite sure. i just wanted to share something today. i wanted to put something out here for all of you.

i only have two more days left here. these days will be busy i am sure. i am trying to savour all of the things that make winnipeg so special to me. i will be back.. i know this. i have to stop being so nostalgic and wipe away these tears...

Do I have words to express all the emotions?

i reach inside myself
and one by one
open all the drawers that i have kept locked

and once again i let myself feel...

happy. excited. sad. sorry. empty. loving. fearful. guilty. joyous. angry. confused. betrayed. frustrated. melancholic. ecstatic. overwhelmed. calm. drained. productive. peaceful. nostalgic. scared. loved. hated. depressed. exhausted. crazy. thankful. hopeful.

i do not know what to do with all that i feel. i no longer know how to express. i don't know who i can trust with which emotions... i no longer know who i can turn to. i am facing the biggest change in my life and am filled with so many emotions.

mostly i am excited for the future. i am happy about the challenges before me. i am thankful for all those who helped me on this journey.. those that helped me to finally let go of my fears and move forward in my life.

in moving forward there is always the sadness of what we are leaving behind. i know that my friends who are important will not disappear just because there will be 2000 miles separating us now. yet, there will be sadness in the 2000 miles... no more walks to meet for breakfast on a sunday morning. no more coffees. just lots of phone calls and emails for a little while.

life changes so quickly... this is what i have realized lately. the potential always exists for such change... and when we embrace it instead of running from it, that is when we really begin to grow.

The blink of an eye

There are so many thoughts I have in my head these days. I think so often how life can change in the blink of an eye. Literally. Sometimes it is within our control.. sometimes much beyond us. And I think about how that moment… that blink…. can change the path of the rest of our lives…

It doesn't have to be something earth shattering. In fact, it rarely is. It could be just a moment like any other.. perhaps we don't even recognize it as it is happening. It could be a stranger we pass on the street.. that moment we catch their eye. And all the potential in the world exists in that moment when your eyes meet. And then you pass, and you carry on, but you take a part of that person or that experience with you.

All the days in our lives are filled with such moments. And all the days are filled with decisions. When I wake up this morning, will I choose to walk or to drive? Will I take the subway or the bus? Will I wear the brown pants or my blue jeans? Will I stop for a coffee on the way? Will I be on time for work? When I get to the junction, will I turn right or left? Who will cross my path today? Who will touch my life? And I think how every seemingly insignificant decision can change the course of our whole lives…

Perhaps it will… perhaps it won't.

This is the beauty… that we never really know. That in each moment exists the potential for such immense change in our life. That within each moment exists beauty and love and truths that we will never understand.

And do we believe in fate… do we believe in a universe that is aligned and all that is meant to be in our lives will be? Or do we want to believe that we are in control… that each decision we make will change the course.. that there is no destiny.

I don't have the answers. I'll believe what I believe. You'll believe what you believe. It doesn't much matter what we think… the fact is these moments do exist. So profound sometimes… yet so subtle that we may not even notice them. We look back sometimes and we cannot even remember the moment in which our whole life changed. But the moment is there.

Whether we see it or not… the moment is there.

Skeleton Key

I've been carrying this key around in my pocket
A reminder
of all the doors I have yet to open

well now I'm carrying this key in my hand
I turn it over and over in my palm
Consider all the possibilities
Consider all the doors I have yet to open

So much potential
If only I can let go of the fear that has always held me back

I think about leaping
Will the net appear?

I think about standing on the edge of the cliff
And just letting go
Will I fall… or will I fly?

There is only one way to know
I know this…
There is only one way to know……

The Giving Tree

i know not the words to put to these feelings
i know not the words...

hands touch
lightening strikes
and a tree falls to the ground

there is sadness in its falling
there is love in its falling

only the stump remains

....... yet, the tree is happy

Junction

all around me are junctions

knowing not what to do
knowing not where to go
knowing not how to contain all of you inside of me

i stand at the crossroad
and look to the right and the left and way off up ahead
yet i do not see the answer

i try to have faith they will unfold before me
things will be clear

where will i live?
where will i work?
what is my purpose?
how will i play?
who will i love?

and when the answers come
when they are right there in front of me

...will i even know?

Acceptance

i think of you and i lose all my words. i know not what to say… how to express.
thoughts swirl.. emotions dance about like leaves in the autumn wind.
i try to understand yet i long to let go of the need to understand.

you are. i am. what will be, will be.

The power of love

why does my love for you have to be analyzed and considered and analyzed again? can i not just love another. can i not love fifty people? is it not possible to love myself and all others. and not to have this questioned or challenged or disbelieved.

it is true, my friend, that i love you. i have so much love inside of me to give. i walk around overflowing, heart on sleeve, kindness i hold in my outstretched hand. all for you. for all of you.
i do not want to fear giving.

fear you taking and needing and still wanting more.
i can love you, but i cannot fill you. you must fill yourself my friend.

fear you not understanding, hiding or running away.
i can love you, but only if you let me. you must be open my friend.

fear you trying too hard to understand me or read me.
I can love you, but you must just accept me, my friend.

all i want to do is to love
freely, openly, endlessly, unconditionally.

it is simple enough.

Reaching

it was up there on the highest shelf. and i couldn't touch it without dragging a chair into the room and climbing up and standing on my tiptoes and reaching. and even still it was hard. that is where i kept my adoration for you. not so easily accessible, but always there. safe and comforting and out of the way.

sometimes we hide love in the strangest places

The danger of the written word

With each word I write, I take all that I have learned in my 30 years… I sift through for the thoughts and the lessons that are relevant at this very moment. I bring with me so many experiences… things I have lived… stories I have heard and books I have read. And it is only with the sharing of these words that anyone could possibly understand what it is that I have inside of me.

"All the colors I am inside have not been discovered yet" This is a Shel Silverstein quote… a magnet on my fridge. I feel the same way about writing… that until the very moment that we put pen to paper or (in this case) fingers to keyboard… these words can only exist inside my head and I do not even know sometimes of their existence.

There is no such thing as osmosis of our thoughts… no matter how close your head is to mine, you will not know my thoughts. I love that. I love that we can live a whole universe in our minds, and we are the only ones with the key. I find such comfort in that at times. And then, other times… I long to give you a glimpse… to pull the blinds and let you all peer inside for a moment… to see into the depths of me… perhaps for a moment to see what I see.

Ah, but the danger. There is always the danger that you will see something different that what I wanted to show you. I can think that something is so clear and you may see something altogether different. I forget sometimes that we each bring with us our lifetime of experience and stories and books we have read. And for every interaction between two people, there are two perceptions of what took place. And they are both right… they are both the truth. We each have our own truth.

Misunderstandings are so easy… especially with the written word. I have learned this lesson the hard way a few times. Lessons that ended with harsh words that I have never really recovered from. My response used to be to run and hide. For a long time this stopped me from sharing my writing… always afraid what the person reading my words might be thinking… how they might perceive them. I am still sensitive to this. But now I have also realized that people will read what they want… they will see what they want. I cannot control it. All I can do is choose to share or not.

I choose these days again to share what I have inside of me with all of you. I write for myself to set these thoughts free. And I write for you.. whoever you are. I hope that you will be touched by them. I hope you will see some truth in them.. that maybe sometimes you will relate to them. In each of us are aspects of all of those around us. In that way it is natural to look for ourselves in the writing of others. To try to understand perhaps how we fit into each others lives… how we fit into our own lives.

For me, the best writings are the words that touch me so deeply that I cannot help but to take a piece of them with me. Perhaps in them I see a recognition of myself. Perhaps a lesson. Perhaps they are merely thoughts I have had myself before.

My experience is that usually the words that affect us the most are those that hold the most truth to our lives. They hold to us a mirror that we do not necessarily want to look into.

I remember the first time I read "The Road Less Traveled". That was one of those books for me… it held a lot of truths that I didn't want to see. It took me years to read it the first time… I kept putting it back on my shelf. I wasn't ready yet. Now.. many years later I have read it a few times.. I am no longer afraid of the mirror. With each book I read I look for the truth it holds in my life. There is always a truth.

The other thing about words is that I believe they always find us when we need them most. I can without fail go on to my shelf and pull a book that is calling to me.. open to a page at random and know that the message in there is meant for me. Without a doubt, I know that I am meant to read it. That's just how it is with words. I trust in that.

I will do it now... having just moved and unpacked my books. My bookshelves have been calling to me today… to just pick up a book and become fully absorbed in it and let the rest of the world fade away…

The book I selected tonight is called "love, freedom, aloneness – the koan of relationships" by Osho. I have been reading a few of his books recently and I find them to always hold a lot of truths for me. This is the page that I just opened to… of course there is relevance for me, as there always is. Those who know me well and know of my journey of the past six months will see so much relevance in this. This book has been part of my journey…. it held a mirror up to me that I needed to force myself to look into. And when I looked and saw only myself there I struggled at first… with feelings of loneliness and sadness… but in time I saw the beauty and I saw the strength and I found the love.

But no one is courageous enough to be alone. You need someone. Why do you need someone? You are afraid of your own loneliness. You become bored with yourself. And really, when you are lonely nothing seems meaningful. With someone you are occupied, and you create artificial meanings around you.

You cannot live for yourself, so you start to live for someone else. And the same is the case with the someone else also – he or she cannot live alone, so he is in search to find someone. Two persons who are afraid of their own loneliness come together and they start a play – a play of love. But deep down they are searching for attachment, commitment, bondage.

So sooner or later, whatsoever you desire happens. This is one of the most unfortunate things in this world. Whatsoever you desire comes to happen. You will get it sooner or later and the foreplay will disappear. When its function is done, it will disappear. When you have become a wife and husband, slaves to each other, when marriage has happened, love will disappear because love was just and illusion in which two persons could become slaves to each other.

Directly you cannot ask for slavery; it is too humiliating. And directly you cannot say to someone, "Become my slave." He will revolt. Nor can you say, "I want to become a slave to you." So you say, "I cannot live without you." But the meaning is there; it is the same. And when this – the real desire – is fulfilled, love disappears. Then you feel bondage, slavery, and then you start struggling to become free.

Remember this. It is one of the paradoxes of the mind: Whatsoever you get you will get bored with, and whatsoever you do not get you will long for. When you are alone you will long for some slavery, some bondage. When you are in bondage you will begin to long for freedom. Really, only slaves long for freedom – and free people try again to be slaves. The mind goes on like a pendulum, moving from one extreme to the other.

Loved doesn't become attachment. Attachment was the need; love was just the bait. You were in search of a fish named attachment; love was just the bait to catch the fish. When the fish is caught, the bait is thrown. Remember this, and whenever you are doing something, go deep within yourself to find out the basic cause.

If there is real love, it will never become attachment. What is the mechanism for love to become attachment? The moment you say to your lover or beloved "Love only me," you have started possessing. And the moment you possess someone you have insulted him deeply, because you have made him into a thing.

……

To love freedom, to try to be free, means basically that you have come to a deep understanding of yourself. Now you know that you are enough unto yourself. You can share with someone, but you are not dependant. I can share myself with someone, I can share my love, I can share my happiness, I can share my bliss, my silence, with someone. But that is a sharing, not a dependence. If no one is there, I will be just as happy, just as blissful. Is someone is there, that is also good and I can share.

When you realize your inner consciousness, you center, only then will love not become an attachment. If you do not know your inner center, love will become an attachment. If you know our inner center, love will become devotions. But you must first be there to love, and you are not.

No Diving

there's a four year old girl
with the mane of a horse
and the will of a monk

she stands alone
determined
staring at a tree

why does she stand like that
where does she get the strength?

why won't she listen to the voice inside her head
the answers come clearly
No Diving
yet she dives...

she puts her hands over her ears
to block out the sound
she closes her eyes
takes a deep breath
and looks again for the challenge

she fights against herself
again and again

when will she realize she doesn't have to fight?!!