A little optimism please

What to do when all else has failed? To stand up or to sit down. To speak out or to hold back. To show love and compassion.. is it always possible to live that way? There is so much anger in our world.. so much hurt. So much trauma that lies buried in our psyches and grows and grows until there is nothing else to do but to look at it.. to dig deeper inside… to expose the wound, to nurse ourselves back to health. Perhaps healthier than ever before.. that is the hope. Must we forever suffer from the things we could not control? So much of who we are is determined by the family we are born into – the mother – the other. And what if we do not remember the other or do not even understand the damage that has been done? So strange that we must spend our whole adult lives working to undo what has already been done in the critical years. There is so much pain in digging… the shovel is heavy… but it is what lies buried so deep inside that is the heaviest of all. To dig it out and look at it takes such strength. I have to believe there is reason for it all. I have to believe that with awareness comes growth. i have to believe that with time it can heal and that we can stop repeating the patterns. What else is there to hope for if not that? I am an optimist… I am.

Thank You

love is the most powerful thing we have.

as long as there is love... there is nothing we cannot do.
it is true.

we can walk to the edge of a cliff.... let go of fear... and fly.
we can reach for the stars and look into our hand at the brilliance we hold.
we can challenge our own potential.
we can realize what it means to follow our dreams.

we can grow without limit.
we can forgive beyond imagination.
we can do all of this and be happy.

how wonderful to know this kind of love.
i have found this kind of love.

love has given me all that i need.
your love for me
my love for you

i thank you.

Sadness

i am overwhelmed with sadness today for all that i am leaving behind. i know my future will be wonderful.. i know that i am heading out on the right path and that my life is moving in the right direction. i feel this without a doubt. but today i am still overwhelmed with sadness.

it is in the little moments these days... the seemingly insignificant moments when suddenly tears are welling up in my eyes. moments like when i stop for coffee at robin's donuts in the morning... the ladies there all know how i take my coffee without my asking. they prepare my jumbo 2 cream 3 sugar without my even asking. and i think how i will miss that. i think that when i return, if i ever go back to that robin's that they probably won't remember how i like my coffee anymore. and i find myself wondering if toronto will be like that.. if i will be more than just one in a city full of people. how will i make a difference? who will remember me?

today was the last day with my jeep. i needed some time tonight just to get out on my own.. go for a drive and then a walk. take this final opportunity to get out on the open road... so much freedom that comes from having a vehicle. i found myself heading for the monestary in st norbert. that has always been one of my favorite places to go. i went for a long walk along the river. i think i just needed a place to go to where i could cry the tears that needed to come out. i needed to find a quiet place where i could just be still.. where i could look deep within my heart and listen to the silence and the crickets singing. i sat there on the stone wall and i wrote in my book until all the light faded and i could no longer see the page.

there are so many emotions that i am feeling these days. i feel the sadness that i have not let myself until just now. i have been trying so hard to be strong... trying to finish with all the details. lists and more lists. but i needed to take tonight to grieve... to mourn the passing of my old life to make way for the new.

i think today i am grieving all of the potential that exists in what i am leaving behind. of maybe never seeing that potential realized. it's all about choices. and it is in the realization that in choosing one thing.. you may never really know about all the others. and this is okay... as long as you are confident in your choices.

i know that moving away doesn't mean that i will no longer have the friends that i have. i know that a little distance will not keep us apart. but at the same time, i know that distance does change some things. i realize we'll have to rely more on phone calls and emails than we will on coffees or breakfasts.

i am tired.. i am rambling i am quite sure. i just wanted to share something today. i wanted to put something out here for all of you.

i only have two more days left here. these days will be busy i am sure. i am trying to savour all of the things that make winnipeg so special to me. i will be back.. i know this. i have to stop being so nostalgic and wipe away these tears...

Do I have words to express all the emotions?

i reach inside myself
and one by one
open all the drawers that i have kept locked

and once again i let myself feel...

happy. excited. sad. sorry. empty. loving. fearful. guilty. joyous. angry. confused. betrayed. frustrated. melancholic. ecstatic. overwhelmed. calm. drained. productive. peaceful. nostalgic. scared. loved. hated. depressed. exhausted. crazy. thankful. hopeful.

i do not know what to do with all that i feel. i no longer know how to express. i don't know who i can trust with which emotions... i no longer know who i can turn to. i am facing the biggest change in my life and am filled with so many emotions.

mostly i am excited for the future. i am happy about the challenges before me. i am thankful for all those who helped me on this journey.. those that helped me to finally let go of my fears and move forward in my life.

in moving forward there is always the sadness of what we are leaving behind. i know that my friends who are important will not disappear just because there will be 2000 miles separating us now. yet, there will be sadness in the 2000 miles... no more walks to meet for breakfast on a sunday morning. no more coffees. just lots of phone calls and emails for a little while.

life changes so quickly... this is what i have realized lately. the potential always exists for such change... and when we embrace it instead of running from it, that is when we really begin to grow.

The blink of an eye

There are so many thoughts I have in my head these days. I think so often how life can change in the blink of an eye. Literally. Sometimes it is within our control.. sometimes much beyond us. And I think about how that moment… that blink…. can change the path of the rest of our lives…

It doesn't have to be something earth shattering. In fact, it rarely is. It could be just a moment like any other.. perhaps we don't even recognize it as it is happening. It could be a stranger we pass on the street.. that moment we catch their eye. And all the potential in the world exists in that moment when your eyes meet. And then you pass, and you carry on, but you take a part of that person or that experience with you.

All the days in our lives are filled with such moments. And all the days are filled with decisions. When I wake up this morning, will I choose to walk or to drive? Will I take the subway or the bus? Will I wear the brown pants or my blue jeans? Will I stop for a coffee on the way? Will I be on time for work? When I get to the junction, will I turn right or left? Who will cross my path today? Who will touch my life? And I think how every seemingly insignificant decision can change the course of our whole lives…

Perhaps it will… perhaps it won't.

This is the beauty… that we never really know. That in each moment exists the potential for such immense change in our life. That within each moment exists beauty and love and truths that we will never understand.

And do we believe in fate… do we believe in a universe that is aligned and all that is meant to be in our lives will be? Or do we want to believe that we are in control… that each decision we make will change the course.. that there is no destiny.

I don't have the answers. I'll believe what I believe. You'll believe what you believe. It doesn't much matter what we think… the fact is these moments do exist. So profound sometimes… yet so subtle that we may not even notice them. We look back sometimes and we cannot even remember the moment in which our whole life changed. But the moment is there.

Whether we see it or not… the moment is there.

Skeleton Key

I've been carrying this key around in my pocket
A reminder
of all the doors I have yet to open

well now I'm carrying this key in my hand
I turn it over and over in my palm
Consider all the possibilities
Consider all the doors I have yet to open

So much potential
If only I can let go of the fear that has always held me back

I think about leaping
Will the net appear?

I think about standing on the edge of the cliff
And just letting go
Will I fall… or will I fly?

There is only one way to know
I know this…
There is only one way to know……

The Giving Tree

i know not the words to put to these feelings
i know not the words...

hands touch
lightening strikes
and a tree falls to the ground

there is sadness in its falling
there is love in its falling

only the stump remains

....... yet, the tree is happy

Junction

all around me are junctions

knowing not what to do
knowing not where to go
knowing not how to contain all of you inside of me

i stand at the crossroad
and look to the right and the left and way off up ahead
yet i do not see the answer

i try to have faith they will unfold before me
things will be clear

where will i live?
where will i work?
what is my purpose?
how will i play?
who will i love?

and when the answers come
when they are right there in front of me

...will i even know?

Acceptance

i think of you and i lose all my words. i know not what to say… how to express.
thoughts swirl.. emotions dance about like leaves in the autumn wind.
i try to understand yet i long to let go of the need to understand.

you are. i am. what will be, will be.

The power of love

why does my love for you have to be analyzed and considered and analyzed again? can i not just love another. can i not love fifty people? is it not possible to love myself and all others. and not to have this questioned or challenged or disbelieved.

it is true, my friend, that i love you. i have so much love inside of me to give. i walk around overflowing, heart on sleeve, kindness i hold in my outstretched hand. all for you. for all of you.
i do not want to fear giving.

fear you taking and needing and still wanting more.
i can love you, but i cannot fill you. you must fill yourself my friend.

fear you not understanding, hiding or running away.
i can love you, but only if you let me. you must be open my friend.

fear you trying too hard to understand me or read me.
I can love you, but you must just accept me, my friend.

all i want to do is to love
freely, openly, endlessly, unconditionally.

it is simple enough.

Reaching

it was up there on the highest shelf. and i couldn't touch it without dragging a chair into the room and climbing up and standing on my tiptoes and reaching. and even still it was hard. that is where i kept my adoration for you. not so easily accessible, but always there. safe and comforting and out of the way.

sometimes we hide love in the strangest places

The danger of the written word

With each word I write, I take all that I have learned in my 30 years… I sift through for the thoughts and the lessons that are relevant at this very moment. I bring with me so many experiences… things I have lived… stories I have heard and books I have read. And it is only with the sharing of these words that anyone could possibly understand what it is that I have inside of me.

"All the colors I am inside have not been discovered yet" This is a Shel Silverstein quote… a magnet on my fridge. I feel the same way about writing… that until the very moment that we put pen to paper or (in this case) fingers to keyboard… these words can only exist inside my head and I do not even know sometimes of their existence.

There is no such thing as osmosis of our thoughts… no matter how close your head is to mine, you will not know my thoughts. I love that. I love that we can live a whole universe in our minds, and we are the only ones with the key. I find such comfort in that at times. And then, other times… I long to give you a glimpse… to pull the blinds and let you all peer inside for a moment… to see into the depths of me… perhaps for a moment to see what I see.

Ah, but the danger. There is always the danger that you will see something different that what I wanted to show you. I can think that something is so clear and you may see something altogether different. I forget sometimes that we each bring with us our lifetime of experience and stories and books we have read. And for every interaction between two people, there are two perceptions of what took place. And they are both right… they are both the truth. We each have our own truth.

Misunderstandings are so easy… especially with the written word. I have learned this lesson the hard way a few times. Lessons that ended with harsh words that I have never really recovered from. My response used to be to run and hide. For a long time this stopped me from sharing my writing… always afraid what the person reading my words might be thinking… how they might perceive them. I am still sensitive to this. But now I have also realized that people will read what they want… they will see what they want. I cannot control it. All I can do is choose to share or not.

I choose these days again to share what I have inside of me with all of you. I write for myself to set these thoughts free. And I write for you.. whoever you are. I hope that you will be touched by them. I hope you will see some truth in them.. that maybe sometimes you will relate to them. In each of us are aspects of all of those around us. In that way it is natural to look for ourselves in the writing of others. To try to understand perhaps how we fit into each others lives… how we fit into our own lives.

For me, the best writings are the words that touch me so deeply that I cannot help but to take a piece of them with me. Perhaps in them I see a recognition of myself. Perhaps a lesson. Perhaps they are merely thoughts I have had myself before.

My experience is that usually the words that affect us the most are those that hold the most truth to our lives. They hold to us a mirror that we do not necessarily want to look into.

I remember the first time I read "The Road Less Traveled". That was one of those books for me… it held a lot of truths that I didn't want to see. It took me years to read it the first time… I kept putting it back on my shelf. I wasn't ready yet. Now.. many years later I have read it a few times.. I am no longer afraid of the mirror. With each book I read I look for the truth it holds in my life. There is always a truth.

The other thing about words is that I believe they always find us when we need them most. I can without fail go on to my shelf and pull a book that is calling to me.. open to a page at random and know that the message in there is meant for me. Without a doubt, I know that I am meant to read it. That's just how it is with words. I trust in that.

I will do it now... having just moved and unpacked my books. My bookshelves have been calling to me today… to just pick up a book and become fully absorbed in it and let the rest of the world fade away…

The book I selected tonight is called "love, freedom, aloneness – the koan of relationships" by Osho. I have been reading a few of his books recently and I find them to always hold a lot of truths for me. This is the page that I just opened to… of course there is relevance for me, as there always is. Those who know me well and know of my journey of the past six months will see so much relevance in this. This book has been part of my journey…. it held a mirror up to me that I needed to force myself to look into. And when I looked and saw only myself there I struggled at first… with feelings of loneliness and sadness… but in time I saw the beauty and I saw the strength and I found the love.

But no one is courageous enough to be alone. You need someone. Why do you need someone? You are afraid of your own loneliness. You become bored with yourself. And really, when you are lonely nothing seems meaningful. With someone you are occupied, and you create artificial meanings around you.

You cannot live for yourself, so you start to live for someone else. And the same is the case with the someone else also – he or she cannot live alone, so he is in search to find someone. Two persons who are afraid of their own loneliness come together and they start a play – a play of love. But deep down they are searching for attachment, commitment, bondage.

So sooner or later, whatsoever you desire happens. This is one of the most unfortunate things in this world. Whatsoever you desire comes to happen. You will get it sooner or later and the foreplay will disappear. When its function is done, it will disappear. When you have become a wife and husband, slaves to each other, when marriage has happened, love will disappear because love was just and illusion in which two persons could become slaves to each other.

Directly you cannot ask for slavery; it is too humiliating. And directly you cannot say to someone, "Become my slave." He will revolt. Nor can you say, "I want to become a slave to you." So you say, "I cannot live without you." But the meaning is there; it is the same. And when this – the real desire – is fulfilled, love disappears. Then you feel bondage, slavery, and then you start struggling to become free.

Remember this. It is one of the paradoxes of the mind: Whatsoever you get you will get bored with, and whatsoever you do not get you will long for. When you are alone you will long for some slavery, some bondage. When you are in bondage you will begin to long for freedom. Really, only slaves long for freedom – and free people try again to be slaves. The mind goes on like a pendulum, moving from one extreme to the other.

Loved doesn't become attachment. Attachment was the need; love was just the bait. You were in search of a fish named attachment; love was just the bait to catch the fish. When the fish is caught, the bait is thrown. Remember this, and whenever you are doing something, go deep within yourself to find out the basic cause.

If there is real love, it will never become attachment. What is the mechanism for love to become attachment? The moment you say to your lover or beloved "Love only me," you have started possessing. And the moment you possess someone you have insulted him deeply, because you have made him into a thing.

……

To love freedom, to try to be free, means basically that you have come to a deep understanding of yourself. Now you know that you are enough unto yourself. You can share with someone, but you are not dependant. I can share myself with someone, I can share my love, I can share my happiness, I can share my bliss, my silence, with someone. But that is a sharing, not a dependence. If no one is there, I will be just as happy, just as blissful. Is someone is there, that is also good and I can share.

When you realize your inner consciousness, you center, only then will love not become an attachment. If you do not know your inner center, love will become an attachment. If you know our inner center, love will become devotions. But you must first be there to love, and you are not.

No Diving

there's a four year old girl
with the mane of a horse
and the will of a monk

she stands alone
determined
staring at a tree

why does she stand like that
where does she get the strength?

why won't she listen to the voice inside her head
the answers come clearly
No Diving
yet she dives...

she puts her hands over her ears
to block out the sound
she closes her eyes
takes a deep breath
and looks again for the challenge

she fights against herself
again and again

when will she realize she doesn't have to fight?!!

Fight or Flight

there is a darkness when i close my eyes
there is a heaviness deep within
there is an ache in my soul and a knot in my back

i do not pretend to understand exactly what it means
or how to stand here when a part of me longs to run the other way

and i'll argue with myself again
to stand tall...or run fast
fight or flight...

i look to the sky for the answers
i listen to the trees
i search deep within

and i decide...

i will be strong this time
for you... for me...
for the challenge
for the lessons i have yet to learn
for the opportunity for growth
and for love

i choose to fight
i choose to stay
i choose to try
because i don't want to run away.


i will chase the darkness away.... overwhelm it with my light. replace fear with love. hurt with patience and understanding. i will not let myself be hurt this time... i will fight for myself... i'm a good fighter.

You are nothing... yet you are everything...

these words feel like they are not my own.. they feel foreign to me. i close my eyes and i type and this is what wants to come out of my head tonight... but what do they mean? three distinct thoughts present themselves.. these words do not belong together. yet... tonight... they want to be together...


if all the days in the world were within this day.. i would hold out my hands forever to you. i would take you under my wing and i would love you for all eternity. i do not understand any other way. how we can hold on so tightly and let go once all is said and done. how we can remove our hands so quickly... why we empty our pockets and love another without first knowing what it is to truly love. i do not pretend to understand.


there is an emptiness... a longing...a silent void, yet i do not look at it. i do not see. i am happy now.. here. this day, i am happy. i am free and loving and full of life. i want you to understand as i do.


i lay awake most nights in the thought of you. i try to empty the noise... the clutter... i try to push you away, yet i long to hold on. to the thought of you... for a thought is all you can be. tonight... as i lay there... you are so far away. and you do not understand.. nobody can really understand what i do not even know within myself. how could i expect you to understand?!!

you are nothing to me... yet you are everything....

The want of you

random thoughts
they come often these days

i sit here wondering
what it would be like to hold you.
to feel you close to me,
your breath, my neck..

what it would be like to love you
and then lose you
to feel that ecstasy
followed by pain

and i wonder sometimes
why i cannot just let things be as they are
for things are as they are meant to be

but I sit and wonder still
and I dream still
overwhelmed by the thought of you
the want of you...

48 to choose from

sometimes i like to go back in time. to pick up an old journal off my shelf and open up the pages to words i wrote years ago. and i am surprised sometimes by their relevance still. by their appropriateness on the days when i randomly open to a page. the words are my own, yet sometimes i do not remember them.. do not remember what i was feeling when i wrote them. i just counted... i have 48 journals in my livingroom. there are probably more scattered around the house.. and of course always one that i carry with me. and i don't write as much as i used to, and i find i miss it sometimes.

today... i looked at the shelf and i selected two journals... now at random... i will open them up and see what i have to share with all of you today. see what i have to share with myself.


07.11.2001

a creative process - a moment meant for me alone to create, to love, to hold the water of the world in the palm of my hand. and each of my fingers itch with anticipation of what could become of this time.

in my heart, in my breasts, in my swollen hands, i feel the pressure of that other world but the soft voice sings to me from here. for my own space and my own time and my own jumbled thoughts that somehow carry me through. my body cries out for the fresh air, the trees, and the green grass. away from the buildings in which i spend my life - away from the concrete worlds of roads and gas powered moving vehicles. i long for so much more and so much less. a space left unfilled and untouched - not yet harmed by a human's hand, and today i cannot give myself what it is that i crave but the thought alone gives me hope.


10.14.2003

I feel it – strongly – calling out to me – YELLING – saying 'what about me?' Pay attention to me! I am the most important one and I need you now, more than ever. I question the choices I make – the ones I have already made…

Will I be happy with these choices? And all I know is that I can only live for today – now. for I do not know what the future will bring…

And perhaps I spend too much of my time thinking these things – and there is so much more/else to be doing!!

I can not stop… I won't stop now. I need (there I go, always needing) to be free… to go once again on a spiritual journey into myself. I need to sometimes let myself be free – I need to let myself feel. And sometimes I need to let go… to write big and messy – let it flow – feel the words as they reach the page.

So unaware was I of this need for so long – I had forgotten about this feeling of letting go – of discovering what it is that lives inside of me. and so I'll set out/embark upon this journey of solitude and self discovery and at the end I expect I will barely recognize myself.


random thoughts 09.29.2003

I do not know where the words will take me tonight
On a journey to a far away land
I sit here, so very much wishing
I was somewhere else - somewhere nearer to you,
Or that you were here, nearer to me
I close my eyes to the day
A silent longing heart
Lies broken
Wanting so much more than I can give myself
And I wonder why…


random thoughts 11.03.2000

In that beautiful isolated moment when the words flowed freely from you to me, nothing could have been more perfect. And I finally understood that I wasn't the only one who felt it. All those people out there looking at you and falling in love. You laugh to think about it, but it's true. In this life where innocent love is frowned upon, I sat witness. Your words filled with such emotion, drained me of mine. I felt silly. Felt stupid. In realizing that you could have any one of those people take you home and love you, I understood why I could never be the one. And to think I let myself think (and really believe) that there could be something you might see in me – that very thing which I saw in you. What a silly girl. Love everyone and everything in moderation – think that's what I've got to do. It's easier on the aching heart. Easier on my cat. Think I'll take my leave, listen to the beautiful words always. Feet a little heavy. Heart a little light. Stuck it on my sleeve again for all to see.


random thoughts 05.30.2002

i'm not sure why i let myself feel so small when you're around. in the universe that revolves around you and perhaps was created solely for your benefit, i cease to exist at all. and so i sit alone and let the words unfold onto the page - outside of your universe, peering through the double pane, bullet-proof window. and i see you laughing and running the show and i know that you're content over there with me over here. where i can't hear you and you don't have to listen to me. and so often i wish that it hadn't come to this. and every once in a while i think that maybe things will change or perhaps i forget the way things really are. so i try to come into your world again for a while - think that somehow it has to be big enough for the two of us to co-exist contently.

and so i dive in again, deeper than i would normally be comfortable with. and when i surface, i am far away from the shore and soon the anxiety of being so far from safe grounds begins and i become frantic in my struggle to keep my head above the water. and then somehow i make it back - having a sudden burst of courage or energy and i lay on the sand and think that i will never do that again. and for a while i hold onto that fear. and then when it starts to fade into a distant memory, i try all over again.

Risk

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." [ANAIS NIN]

I wish that every person would reach that point some time in their life - when the risk it took to remain within the comfortable life that they were used to would be overpowered by the desire for more. I do not wish this because I want to cause uproar and confusion, but because I think it is important to question our lives – to live to the fullest. I believe there is potential for happiness – in all aspects of life. I believe there is more sometimes than what we choose to allow into our lives. What is it that we are afraid of? I see so many people who find comfort in their unhappiness because it doesn't involve risk – it is at least predictable. And I wonder to myself how it is that there are so many beautiful people who do not even know of their own beauty – so many people who do not know how to love themselves. So many people who will choose to never be free.

I won't pretend to know the answers today – not even of my own life. All I know is that today, for me,… it is more painful to remain where I am, than to see where I can go. I don't expect every person will reach this point – many will never allow themselves.

Sometimes I wish I could go off to another country, another planet – and just find myself there and maybe then it would be clear what I want from this life and this world. What a silly place it is where we are supposed to only love one other person – of the billions of people – the thousands that will cross paths with our own lives. I did not choose this. I do not pretend to know how to do this. With this I may forever struggle, or I may meet that person one day who fulfills me in so many ways that I never dream of needing or loving another again.

I suppose there is a part of me that will always wonder "what if?" – to various questions, various people. I suppose there is a part of each and every one of us that wonders "what if I had chosen to turn left instead of right today". What if I had chosen to accept that other job, date that other person… who would I be today? I suppose we will always question these things. I suppose this is normal.

I just want a peaceful life – a happy life. I want to love and feel loved. I want to be surrounded by good friends. I want to be comfortable. I want to feel free to breathe, to play, to sing and dance, to be who I really am. I want this not only for myself – I want it for every person.
Is that all too much to ask?

Angels

I had such a moving experience tonight... i'm sure one that will stay with me forever.

I won't go into all the details cause it is 1:30am.. I am tired, and also I don't think this is the place for the details. But I will tell you this...

I went for a bike ride tonight... just felt like i needed to get out of my house and get some fresh air... think a little while. so many changes coming on these days.. i needed some time just to breathe and think. i didn't have a destination in mind really. after riding a bit though, i felt myself drawn to the park on wellington crescent. i rode through there a bit to a place down by the river where there are a couple trees that have fallen over. i parked my bike, took off my helmut, sat a while and just looked out at the river.

it wasn't long before a man and his two golden retrievers came by. the dogs were running in and out of the water... running and playing. the man asked if i minded if he shared the space with me.... on the other tree. i said sure.

soon he began talking. slowly at first... cautiously. obviously not used to opening up to a total stranger in a park. and i found out he had a really bad day... in fact he had been pretty down for a few months. i won't go into details about this.. but if you are interested i will tell the story in person.

he asked what brought me to this park on this night... if this was somewhere i always came to gather my thoughts. i said no... that it was in fact my first time there in years. i told him that perhaps it was him who brought me there. there was no doubt to me that i was meant to be there - in that exact place at that exact time. and he agreed... that god had been looking after him... bringing me into the park at that exact time. he said he could tell that i was a good person.

we talked for over an hour... about all kinds of things. he opened up to me. told me of his sadness and struggle. and i could not do anything for him but listen. but, it seemed that is what he needed tonight. he left feeling better he said. i hope our talk stays with him... beyond tonight. somehow, i think it will.

it was strange because on the weekend i found this book called "A book of Angels". i had heard about it for years... and found it at random in a used book store. and i read a bit of it this weekend.

sitting there with this man tonight, i kept thinking about this one part i had read:

"It is said that angels come as thoughts, as visions, as dreams, as animals, as the light on the water or in clouds and rainbows, and as people too. Are they walking on this earth as people in disguise? Or is it really us, mere humans, who for a moment are picked up by the hand of God and made to speak unwittingly the words another needs to hear, or to hold out a lifeline to another soul?"

and i realize how true it is.. that the moment we need someone most, they will be there. also... i believe that the more i listen to my intuition, the more often i can be in the right place at the right time.

i have no doubt the universe aligned tonight to bring me to that park, where this man needed someone to talk to. someone who would not judge him. someone who would not be afraid of him. someone that wouldn't think he was crazy. someone that could offer him a few words of encouragement and a hug. today, that someone was me. and i am thankful for that... so very thankful.

we just never know when we might be needed... when we might be called. all of us are angels inside... all of us...

Who says you can't go camping in April?

Okay… I promised a few people I would write a blog about my camping experience. :)

Originally I had hoped to go out to riding mountain, but then a friend reminded me on Friday that there is still 3 feet of snow out there. Oh yeah… I had forgotten about snow… now that it is all gone in Winnipeg. Amazing how quickly we forget. Anyway.. after a little research, I realized that no matter where I went, the campsites wouldn't be open yet, and it would be cold. So, I decided to head out to the Whiteshell, where there are many lakes and many many places to camp, in the hopes that I could find at least one.

I headed out on Saturday shortly after noon (I had an appointment in the morning). I over-packed, as I usually do. It seems there is so much to bring, whether you're going camping for a day or a week. And, knowing it would be cold, I was cautious and brought lots of extra clothes, boots, sleeping bags, etc.

I took highway 44 out past Beausejour. Then I decided to head north on highway 11 to 307, heading into North Whiteshell… past Seven Sisters Falls. I had never driven that way before. It was beautiful… the winding road.. even at this time of year. As I drove I felt a part of me let go… my shoulders dropped… my breathing slowed. I was on the road and so happy.

I passed so many lakes and so many campsites. I stopped to check out a few… Nutimik, Betula… I can't even remember the names of them all. Just that I drove into the camp grounds and quickly realized that there was way too much snow to stay. That, and there were locked gates and slushy roads… not even accessible at this time of year. But I kept on driving. I finally ended up at Big Whiteshell Lake (South Shore) – the campground there was perfect. Nicely secluded… mostly covered in snow.. enough that nobody else would think to come. But… perfect for me and my Jeep. And I found a couple camp sites side by side that had almost no snow… even a little sunshine.
The drive home on Sunday, I took the yellow road… I always like to come and go different ways. Besides… I wanted to visit one of my favorite abandoned places on the way home.

Anyway.. once I got there, I decided to get set up first before heading off to explore. Work before play. I took out the tent (that I borrowed from my friend Dhara – thank you again) and put it up quickly and easily. Then there was the air mattress. Wow… what a great huge air mattress… and I had borrowed a foot pump too. But I didn't realize how long it would take to fill that thing… about AN HOUR later…. my legs totally buff from the workout, I finally filled it!! For a while there I almost gave up… but I knew it would all be worth it when the night came. (of course, it was)

After the tent was up and the air mattress filled, sleeping bags unpacked, etc, I wanted to head out on my bike. All I could think about all day was getting on my bike and going out for the first ride of the year. Of course, there was still a lot of snow, so I knew I wouldn't get very far… but I went anyway. I rode down to the dock – a huge dock that looks out to the expanse of the lake. And I should mention.. there is no 'lake' at this time of year… only a never-ending frozen landscape. The ice hasn't melted yet.. we're probably a month away from that yet… so it looked like winter out there… but the warmth of the sun on my face made it feel strangely of summer. Such a strange contrast.

Anyway… a little exploring along the shore… the other campsites… some photos. Then I headed back to the campsite to build a fire… to make some dinner. One of my favorite things about camping is cooking… I always eat better out there than I do at home. And I had prepared a bunch of food ahead of time, so I was excited for the meal. I had a nice dinner of steak, yams with onions and corn. With that a cup of yerba mate. I read my book for a while… I wrote in my journal for a while. It seemed the time passed quickly. Before long it was dark… too dark to read or write. Too dark for anything but just to sit by the fire. Staring into the fire… thinking.. talking aloud to myself. (you can do those kinds of things when you are camping alone… and nobody will think you're crazy). ;) I sat there for a couple hours…. tending the fire. Taking turns looking down at it and then up at the magnificent sky of stars. I was overwhelmed by the beauty. And overwhelmed by the silence. It has been a long time since I have experienced anything like that. No sound of traffic… no sounds of people. No other campers. Not even any birds or insects. Just silence.

I cannot tell you all about the experience of those few hours… sitting by the fire alone… the smell and the sound of the crackling…. the little bit of light in the darkness. The warmth in the cold night. It was an experience I do not think I could really do justice to with words… just that I was overflowing… in love with everything. Myself... the trees… the campfire… the stars. Everything about the day had been perfect… and those few hours were the best of all.

"I found God in myself and I loved her fiercely" – Ntosake Shange

In the daytime it had been warm… at one point I was walking around in a long sleeve shirt and I was warm. But as the sun set and the light faded, I knew I would be in for a cold night. I kept adding layer after layer… pulling the table up closer to the fire. When I eventually let the fire go out and crawled into the tent I realized why most people don't go camping in April. It was bloody cold!! I slept with many layers… two pairs of socks.. two pairs of pants… two tank tops, a long sleeve shirt, a sweater and a fleece… my scarf, toque and mittens. And I had two sleeping bags and my giant duvet. All of that and I was not warm. I was not freezing cold either… but was glad that it was not any colder.

I woke early on Sunday to the sound of the crows (6:30am). They were up and impatient for me to get out of my tent. I welcomed them as I would an old friend. They reminded me of so many mornings at the lake as a child. There was comfort in them. I was happy to be up and making a fire again… to make some coffee in my new percolator. Such a rewarding treat after a night in the cold… a warm cup of coffee. I watched as the sun rose… the sky a beautiful shade of orange. And I was so thankful for the beauty around me. Once I had the fire started, wrote my morning pages and poured myself a coffee, I set out for a walk with my camera and my book. I found a place where the rocks lined the shore.. and I walked there a while. I was again amazed by the warmth of the morning sun. I sat on those rocks a while reading from my book… and then just sitting there, staring out into the frozen lake. Another moment of such calm and peace. I could have stayed there all day I thought. Eventually I made my way back to the campsite for breakfast. I was excited about my omlette and vegan sausage and another cup of coffee. The morning passed quickly again… leisurely. I went for another walk… sat in the sun a while. Even had a nap in the sun. eventually I began to pack up… taking down the tent… letting the air out of the air mattress and preparing for the journey home.

I always like to take a different highway when I am traveling. If possible, I don't like to take the same way twice. On the way home I went back on Highway 44, past one of my favorite abandoned houses. I allowed lots of time for the drive because I like to stop and explore. And I did stop… veering off occasionally down roads that looked interesting. Stopping at my favorite place where I visit again and again…to do some macro photography… to enjoy the sun a little more. I detoured… went through Lockport and down Henderson Highway… the scenic way home. Trying to delay coming back home as long as possible.

Don't get me wrong.. I love my home. I was just so enjoying the road and the running away. But I am back now. Grateful for the day that I had…. grateful for the smell of campfire that still lingers on my clothes… grateful for the memories. And already looking forward to the next adventure.

Being Lonely vs. Being Alone

I am going camping by myself tomorrow. Kind of a spiritual journey that I feel I need to do. I have spent a lot of time alone recently... getting to know myself more intimately. But being alone at home doesn't mean being truly alone. There is always this computer, my phone, my friends only a few blocks away, the grocery store, the cats, work, responsibilities... even the sounds of traffic. Life.... all of these things.

And I have been doing well. Finally feeling like I am transcending that feeling of lonliness for the feeling of aloneness. It is quite empowering really. So this little camping trip... just 2 days and 1 night away is kind of a test for myself. To see how will I fair out there... just me and the sun and the trees and the cold night. I am excited for the challenge... for the escape. I am excited for the open road. For singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in the car. Maybe pulling over and dancing on the side of the road. (anything is possible) I am excited to build a fire... to make some coffee in my new value village percolator. I am excited even to bundle up and sleep in the cold that I know the night will bring.

I feel like these last few months have been a journey for me. A spiritual quest of sorts... and I think of so many of my favorite books in which there have been these same sorts of journeys. Lessons to be learned... things within ourselves to conquer. Among my favorites are Siddhartha (Herman Hesse), The Alchemist (Paulo Cohelo) and The Journey Home (Lee Carroll). And now it is my turn to take my inner journey and make it also an outer journey. I have done it many times before, but it has been too many years. I am ready. :)

I found this great chapter on the subject of Alone vs. Lonely in this Osho book I am reading. I will share it. It is brilliant really.


Strangers to Ourselves

We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Aloneness is our very nature, but we re not aware of it. Because we are not aware of it we remain strangers to ourselves, and instead of seeing our aloneness as a tremendous beauty and bliss, silence and peace, at-easenesswith existence, we misunderstand it as loneliness.

Loneliness is a misunderstood aloneness. Once you misunderstand your aloneness as loneliness, the whole context changes. Aloneness has a beauty and grandeur, a positivity; loneliness is poor, negative, dark, dismal.

Loneliness is a gap. Something is missing, something is needed to fill it, and nothing can ever fill it because it is a misunderstanding in the first place. As you grow older, the gap also grows bigger. People are so afraid to be by themselves that they do any kind of stupid thing. I have seen people playing cards alone; the other party not there. They have invented games in which the same person plays cards from both sides.

Those who have known aloneness say something absolutely different. They say there is nothing more beautiful, more peaceful, more joyful than being alone.

The ordinary man goes on trying to forget his loneliness, and the meditator starts getting more and more acquainted with his aloneness. He has left the world; he has gone to the caves, to the mountains, to the forest, just for the sake of being alone. He wants to know who he is. In the crowd, it is difficult; there are so many disturbances. And those who have known their aloneness have known the greatest blissfulness possible to human being - because your very being is blissful.

After being in tune with your aloneness, you can relate; then your relationship will bring great joys to you, because it is not out of fear. Finding your aloneness you can create, you can be involved in as many things as you want, because this involvement will not anymore be running away from yourself. Now it will be your expression; now it will be the manifestation of all that is your potential.

But the first basic thing is to know your aloneness absolutely.

So I remind you, don't misunderstand aloneness as loneliness. Loneliness is certainly sick; aloneness is perfect health. Your first and most primary step toward finding the meaning and significance of life is to enter into your aloneness. It is your temple; it is where your God lives, and you cannot find this temple anywhere else.

~ Osho (from love, freedom, aloneness, the koan of relationships)

Heartwarming

I had a very heartwarming experience over lunch today!!

I had been writing a batch of snail mail letters yesterday, but hadn't quite finished them all. i headed down to the fyxx to address them, intending to mail them before going back to work. so, there I sat at my table…sandwich and yerba mate... letters, envelopes and postcards spread over the table. (kind of like in this photo... though not quite so messy).

I sat writing out peoples addresses… using my big roll of packing tape… closing them up... licking stamps. just the final touches. :)

someone walked by.. noticed me there… noticed the table. stopped and stared for a minute. then he approached me and asked if he could look at my envelopes. I said sure. I watched him as he carefully inspected every envelope, front and back. oh, what a photograph it would have been. he was fascinated. asked how long it took me to write them all.. that he loves letters, but it takes him so long to write them. after looking at them all he said to me "your friends sure are lucky." that's when I told him that he could add his name to my little address book and that I would send him a letter too. you should have seen his face light up… like a five year old boy on christmas morning.

there was something so pure about this guy. something I am having trouble formulating into words. a quality about him though…. a simpleness. a gentleness. he looked at me and said eagerly "I'll write back". i watched as he carefully took his time writing his name and address in my book... Dandy. he had such a childlike nature. he walked away with a smile on his face and I know I certainly had one on mine. so easy to touch someone's life I was thinking. him touching mine. me touching his. so very easy….

when he went back to his table to join the others, I thought i recognized them as the squeegee kids that sometimes hang out at the corner of river and donald. and I am hit again with the realization that we should never judge people… never judge a book by its cover. to look at them… I know people would make assumptions… the mohawks… the ripped pants… the dirty clothes. and I think how everyone has a story. and maybe…. just maybe… I will soon understand more of the story of Dandy. :)

i stopped at the mailbox on my way back from lunch. i counted the letters as i dropped them into the mailbox.... fourteen. and i thought how i had just touched fifteen people's lives. such a wonderful feeling.

love julie

Home

"Home is where they understand you"

I understand the idea that home is a place within ourselves... that we can take home with us wherever we go. The idea that home is in the love of our friends.. in the love of ourselves. and no matter where we journey in the world... we can always look within ourselves to go home. I also understand that in a spiritual journey... going home can be something so much more profound.

There are so many concepts of home. I will share with you my favorite bit of writing about "home". It is the introduction to a book called "Finding your Way Home" by Melody Beattie. This has stuck with me a lot of years... I go back and read it again and again.


We want to go home.

It's an itching, a longing, a yearning, a desire bordering on urgency - almost a cosmic movement.

We want to find our purpose, our right place, the right people to live and work with, the right work to do. We want to do more than discover why we're here; we want to be doing and living what we came here to do with the people we came here to do it with. We want to come into alignment with our highest good and destiny.

We want to discover and live our soul's purpose.

We want to bring out and use all the parts of us we've kept denied and tucked away. We don't want to hear anything more about what we can't do. We want to know what we can do, and then we
want to do it well. We want to stop exploiting, and start exploring our gifts and talents, bringing them to the world.

And we want to enjoy doing it. We want to have fun. We'd like to make a little money, too. Maybe a lot. It's not that money is the most important thing. We don't want to be bought or sold. Selling our souls is what we want to stop doing. But we want enough. And maybe a little extra at the end of the month. We don't want to worry about money anymore.

We'd like to feel good, do our art, be of service, be with people we love, people of like mind, maybe experience some joy, bliss, and euphoria, too. We want to be a part of a team of high-minded soul mates on a similar mission at work; we want a few friends who are truly friends - belong to a tribe of kindred souls; and we want more than a relationship - we want a passionate love relationship with our twin flame soul mate.

Or we want to be happy and comfortable being alone.

We're tired of feeling afraid and confused. We'd like to take some risks, but we'd like to feel safe, too. Protected. We want to live in a way that feels natural and right to us.

We want to be who we are, to be all that our souls came here to be.

We're tired of straitjackets, limitations, and selling our souls for money or security. We want to bust loose - set our souls free, be in the right place at the right time, fulfill our mission, dance with destiny, and watch the universe unfold at our feet.

We want enough drama and excitement to keep life interesting, but we want an abiding sense of peace underlying it all.

Karma and gravity have kept us bound and gagged long enough. We want to return to our spiritual roots. We want to learn to fly.

We want heaven - right here on earth.
We want to go home.

There is another idea of home... the simpler one. This is the home I wanted to write about tonight.

"Home is the place where it feels right to walk around without your shoes"

The home I am talking about my cocoon... my apartment. I am talking about the place I hang my coat at the end of the day... the place where I can just be. The place where I can sit on my couch and read or write or type on this laptop... where my cats are waiting for me when I come in the door. It is the place where I feel inspired. This apartment I live in feels very much like me. It isn't perfect... but it is perfect for me. :)

I have been spending a lot of time at home these days. Home in every sense of that word. Being away for a few days last week reminded me how much I love being at home. I have been spending a lot of time with myself lately... learning once again to appreciate my time alone. In fact, I have recently begun to crave it. But I also value the time I spend with my friends. It is the balance that is the key.

For me... home means this place that I am living. Home also means this time in my life right now... that I seem to have found a comfort in myself that had been lacking for a while. A happiness in existence. A joy in living and loving. Home is the feeling I have in my heart these days.. a fullness. A completeness. I don't even know if I can begin to explain it all. It just feels as though things in my world are aligning... coincidences are happening all the time and they help me to know that I am on the right path. And there is a peace I feel inside... in myself... in my friends.... the feeling of coming home. The knowing that at this moment in my life, things are exactly as they are meant to be.

"There is nothing half so pleasant as coming home again"

Love julie